Read Book Excerpts From Where Are You? & Where Art Thou? by Bart Smith

The Student & The Teacher

(Which one are you? Actually, we’re both! A good thing!)

Excerpted from Bart's book:
Where Are You? & Where Art Thou?
© 2024 by Bart Smith
Reprinted by permission.

If we were to look at everyone who ever came into your life, no matter how they treated us (good or bad) we might look at them as a teacher who taught us many things. They taught us about human behavior (theirs; good or bad) and they taught us about ourselves. In all relationships, we are a student, yet we are the teacher too. I’ll explain.

Why is it important for us to think of the other person as our teacher, first? Because we want to LEARN. FACT: If we don’t learn from our (dating) history, we’re apt to repeat it. Right? So, imagine, think back to all those who came into your life and picture them as your teacher. What did you learn from them? What lessons did you take away? What behaviors, statements, actions (or a lack thereof) of yours can you learn from? I’d make note of all the things you learned looking back so you’d never let them happen again to you? What did you learn that could enhance your life going forward? Make note of everything learned; the good, the bad and the ugly.

If we were to look at everyone who ever came into your life, no matter how they treated us (good or bad) we might look at them as a teacher who taught us many things. They taught us about human behavior (theirs; good or bad) and they taught us about ourselves. In all relationships, we are a student, yet we are the teacher too. I’ll explain.

Why is it important for us to think of the other person as our teacher, first? Because we want to LEARN. FACT: If we don’t learn from our (dating) history, we’re apt to repeat it. Right? So, imagine, think back to all those who came into your life and picture them as your teacher. What did you learn from them? What lessons did you take away? What behaviors, statements, actions (or a lack thereof) of yours can you learn from? I’d make note of all the things you learned looking back so you’d never let them happen again to you? What did you learn that could enhance your life going forward? Make note of everything learned; the good, the bad and the ugly.

Now, think about what happened? What went wrong? As a student in all your relationships what did you learn that you will seek after (more of) if it was good and try to prevent it from ever happening again to you (if it was bad)? Make note and don’t let it happen or MAKE IT HAPPEN again in the future.

As the teacher in a relationship, both parties must bring something to the table in order to maintain their stay at the table. Relationships cannot be all one-sided. It takes two to tango, remember? So, one key attribute to bring into a relationship is your ability to share knowledge, experiences, positive behaviors, care and so forth. We, as humans, thrive on growing, learning, enhancing and expanding our awareness, knowledge and how we live our lives (for the better). Self-improvement is the name of the game when it comes to growing personally and in a relationship.

Imagine, you bring a lot to the table, whether that’s knowledge, experience or??? The other party in your relationship benefits from your contribution to the relationship, but they benefit personally as well. The more teachable moments you have in the relationship, the stronger a bond can develop between you both. I’ve been in my own relationships where I brought a lot of business and personal development and relationship knowledge to the table. Throughout that relationship, the gal I dated benefited greatly. She grew, she learned and from time to time we’d talk and she’d say, “Bart, remember when you told me X and I didn’t believe you? Well, the other day, I ran into a situation where X happened and I was able to handle it properly because you showed me how. I remember you telling me the story about (…) and it stuck with me. Thank you, (teacher). I’m able to better handle X when the situation arises. I learned a lot from just observing you in our relationship.” Well, don’t think the learning was all one sided. I remember learning quite a bit from those I was in relationships with. What I learned, I either looked for in the next relationship I was in or with myself in how I interacted with the gal I was dating.

Teachable moments are not always business (or other) related. They could be in the way you talk to the other person in your relationship or how they talk to you. It could be in how either of you act or react to certain situations or events while dating (or married) to that other someone. Both of you are always watching, observing and learning from each other. You are the teacher and they are the student in some situations, and the roles reverse for other situations. In either case, you’re both observing each others’ behaviors, your speech, your tone, whether good or bad. Looking back, how did you behave in certain instances? Did you keep your cool? Did they? Did you lose it and throw a bottle of red wine against the wall or??? Specifically, how did you treat the other person? How were YOU treated? Now, you’re back being the student. Good, bad, not so good? Make note and vow never to repeat your bad actions and allow someone else’s poor behavior to be tolerated either.

I’ll say this, if (as a student) you observe you are not being treated right, spoken to with disrespect, or not cared for in the way couples in love should care for one another, then you might consider exiting stage left and leaving that relationship pronto. I talk about this later in the book, but I like to give people three strikes and then two more and then, to the dog house they go. Five (strikes) total and they’re out for good. This way, I can say, “I gave you three chances to (do good) or I would leave the relationship. I then offered you two more to see if you really wanted to work on (xyz) problem. I can see you haven’t changed. You don’t want to change and the only one who can change in this relationship is me and I’m out. BYE! I’m not paid to be your therapist and you’ve got problems that I just don’t want to deal with in a relationship where I want love, romance, harmony and good times throughout. I’ve been very good to you and you know it. You’ve got issues (whether emotional, substance abuse, or whatever) and I can’t help you. You need professional help … I wish you the best.” Seriously!

In this case, I was the student (i.e., I learned what I would not put up with even after offering my assistance, support and encouragement); and I was the teacher (i.e., I taught the other person what I would not tolerate after a certain period of time or number of attempts to help). Hopefully, my leaving taught them to get help on their own time. Some people need to be left alone to look inwards and fix what ails them.

Going forward, wearing both hats, one of the student and the teacher, my relationships had a better chance at improving with every new connection. Not always, but you get the idea. I’m better able to look out for things or I won’t beat myself up if (as the student) I learned more about myself and not how to behave or what not to say to upset the other party in the relationship.

In some cases, you might be the one who’s getting the boot. Instead of looking at the glass as half empty, because someone chooses to break up with you (or file for divorce, etc.), how about looking at this breakup from a student’s point of view (i.e., the glass is half full) and assess what you can learn, what can you take away from having spent time in the relationship. If you’re on your way out and have no control or influence on staying together, start looking at all the good things you learned and can take away from your involvement with this person.

I know I had to let some women in my life go for whatever reason and vice versa, they let me go. In all cases, I always said to myself, as a student, what did I learn from being in a relationship with said gal? What can I take away lesson wise? I think when you can look at your past relationships (good or bad) from a student perspective, it can also take away some of the sting or stigma related to those relationships that didn’t work out. “Yes, I’m hurt, a relationship is ending, but what can I take away from my dating (or being married) to this person?”

Does that make sense? Choose to learn and grow. Choose not to sulk or feel bad for too long. Sure, feel bad for a few minutes/weeks/months, but get over it as soon as you can. Assess, learn, think positively, and get ready for someone else to walk into your life who’s a much better fit to serve your heart’s needs. One of the best things we can do when we exit any relationship is to look at those episodes in our life as learning experiences.

FACT: I bet you didn’t know? ALL relationships end at some point in time. All of them. Some last longer than others; some not so long. Some last a day, a week, a month, 90 days, 6 months, a year, 2-5 years, 5-10 years or 10+ years. For some odd reason, all relationships end, whether it’s due to bad behavior, death, health problems, boredom, … you name it. The trick is to maintain your own positive attitude with life. Take on the attitude that you are always a happy, upbeat person and no one will ever be able to get you down, or there’s the door. That said, knowing you are forever a student and a teacher in all relationships, you know you are worthy of love and have the potential to find love and be loved. It’s only a matter of who you encounter, where you meet them, the type of person they are, how prepared they are to want love and romance in their life just like you that determines if that someone will stick around for a week, a month, 90 days, 6 months or longer. Knowing all these facts, it’s to your advantage, emotionally, mentally and where your heart’s concerned to know and believe deep down that …

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BOOK EXCERPT #2

40+ Reasons That Might Be Keeping You Single & You Didn’t Know It, Well, Maybe!

Excerpted from Bart's book:
Where Are You? & Where Art Thou?
© 2024 by Bart Smith
Reprinted by permission.

Why ARE you single? Well, I know why I’ve remained single a lot of my adult life and it hasn’t really been that bad. Maybe you can identify with one or more of these reasons as well:

1. You're just having too much fun being single! Maybe you’re enjoying this time in your life when you get to focus on yourself and become more whole as a person and don’t have time to devote to anyone else. You’re #1 right now and you love it!

2. You're not trying hard enough to find someone. Maybe you are, but maybe you're not doing so in the right way.

3. You're trying, but the results just aren't there. Why so? Maybe it's the company you keep or where you're looking for love? You know, in all the wrong places?

4. You scare people away with _____ (fill in the blank). stop scaring people away like that, and maybe …

5. You push people away by _______ (fill in the blank). Stop pushing people away like that, and maybe …

6. You're not approachable. Why not? Is it looks, your attitude? Let’s investigate together. Keep reading.

7. You're hidden. You don't come out of your cave/house much. You can’t hide away and think you can meet people.

8. Your self-esteem (or a lack thereof) is preventing you from getting out there and into the dating world.

9. The pickings (i.e., prospects) are slim and just not that great where you live, work, play or hang out. Your favorite TV shows are more interesting than any date you’ve been on.

10. You’re too picky or have expensive tastes and you’re not settling. You place ridiculous demands on your ideal mate. You’d rather be picky now than unhappy later when holding people up against your long list of requirements.

11. Past experiences (i.e., hurts, horrors and let downs) are preventing you from dating and finding someone to love!

12. You don't take great care of yourself. Why not?

13. Too many choices. This is true. Today, you’ve got access to MILLIONS of singles. Go ahead, pick one. Yeah, right! Which one do you pick?

14. You’re used to being single and alone. Maybe you’ve spent more time alone than you have been with someone in a relationship. Maybe you like your alone time more than you do having someone around in your life?

15. You’re focused on your career, projects or something else that keeps you too busy to date. You’d rather have a significant income than a significant other. I get it.

16. You’re too busy or just don’t make time to date. Maybe you are, busy, but that’s no excuse. What are your priorities? If you want something bad enough, you’ll make time for it, right?

17. You’re broke (most of the time) and don’t have the money to date. This can be true. No money, no going out and no meeting other people. That all costs money.

18. You have a lot of money and you’re afraid someone is going to date or marry you just for money. So, you’re single.

19. Your true love is food, drink, drugs, or something else that you’re addicted to and that which consumes you to the point where either no one wants to date you or you’re not in the right state of mind to date either. You need help and should seek it.

20. You’re in a passionate love affair with yourself or you’re just too fabulous, that you haven't found anyone equally as fabulous! Funny, but true for some folks.

21. You haven’t found anyone kinky enough or into sex as much as you or who can keep up with you in the bedroom.

22. You prefer to be single because you like to socialize, travel and roam the planet with zero hassle than if you were in a relationship and would have to check in with someone who would say, “Where are you going? When will you be back? Who will you be with? I want to know!”

23. Are you hard to get along with? Have people broken up with you because you’re argumentative or rude?

24. Are you high energy or low energy? Some people who have a lot of energy don’t mix well with those with low energy. Imagine a rabbit hanging out with a tortoise.

25. You’re more into the title of CEO than a partner and you like dating yourself. Why would you need someone?

26. You don’t know how to date, go on dating apps or websites or have the money to hire a matchmaker, among other things related to the actual activity of trying to find someone to date.

27. You’ve been married or were in a long-term relationship before and don’t necessarily want to be in a relationship right now. So, you remain single by choice.

28. You don’t like to be controlled by other people, which can happen in a relationship. So, you stay single.

29. Perhaps there’s a fear of intimacy, which was either caused by someone (or others) or a lack of experience.

30. Maybe you have a disability of some kind and that’s holding you back from meeting others. It doesn’t have to.

31. You’re addicted to your phone and/or social media. You’re always on it, bringing it to the dinner table, never really engaging with anyone in real life. Did you know? Too much phone time can make you … boring? “Hey, I’d like to talk to you.”

(“Go ahead. I’m just responding to some texts and reading the news on my phone.”) Uh, NO!

32. You’re addicted to (or play too many) video games. If all you do is sit around and play video games for hours and hours on end for months and years, uh, that doesn’t leave much time to date. I remember a friend of mine told me, “I’m the loneliest guy I know.” I asked him how he spent his time. He said, “Playing games all the time.” I told him I didn’t play games and never have trouble finding a girlfriend.

33. You’re living in the past and can’t bring yourself to live for today. Perhaps you were in love with someone and they either left you or passed away. You miss them greatly and can’t or don’t want to move on.

34. You don’t invest in the relationship or you starve it. Maybe you’ve been accused of not putting in a lot to the relationship or you don’t spend enough time with your significant other. Watch them walk right out the door.

35. You’ve been hurt and burned so many times you’re afraid to date again. So, you remain frozen, alone and single.

36. You don’t communicate like an adult. Yes, we’re all busy in today’s age of texting and DMs, but if you can’t pick up the phone or ask someone to speak to them face to face more often than you should with a person you’re interested in romantically, they might eventually move on.

37. Your dating patterns are causing you to be single because the men/women you date/marry are closet lunatics, and you don’t know why you keep attracting that type of person into your love life.

38. Your expectations are/were totally unrealistic and so you’ve been single for a very long time.

39. You date people for all the wrong reasons and they always wind up letting you go sooner or later. Take note. Assess (even ask) what it is you’re doing that’s causing all these break ups to occur.

40. You don’t share or take any responsibility for the failure of any relationship. You don’t learn anything.

41. You just haven't found the right person yet. You date and date, but nothing ever results in marriage or a long term relationship. Why is that? We’ll find out real soon.

42. Perhaps you’re SAVING YOURSELF for that someone special to walk right into your life and you want to remain available for when they do. That’s quite okay!

WOW, that is a lot of reasons why people are single, eh? Of the reasons I stated, did any one (or more) jump out to you? Could you relate to any of them? I know, for me, I could totally relate to quite a few on this list. Perhaps your reasons for being single aren’t on this list of 40+. That’s okay, with millions of single men and women today, everybody’s got their reasons for being single.

Now, do note, being single isn’t all that bad. After all, we start out in life, single; we go through school kinda single; we live out much of our lives single when young; we continue to grow while single; we might find a job (while single); we play well with others as single individuals before we ever meet someone or get into a relationship, right? We spend most of our life single in the beginning. So? Since we already make the most out of being single, why not go easy on ourselves until we find that someone special? Being single is a natural state of existence for millions of people. Being single is our chance to spend quality time with ourselves, and improve ourselves long before we ever come in contact with that potential, special someone. Let’s then relish being single while we are!

To the degree you want anything (i.e., a home, a car, someone special in your life), for the most part, we all know we have to work for it. Doing nothing, but sitting around waiting for love to walk into our lives is not going to happen. You have to do something. You do have to work on improving yourself. If you want to sell your home or a car, you have to fix it up. You add a new coat of paint. You do repairs. You make someone want to have your home or car. You do the same with yourself. You exercise, you eat better, you go to the gym, you take classes or join clubs. We can all do things to make ourselves more desirable. Get a better education or take on new hobbies or travel and live your life being happy just by yourself. Learn to golf, snow ski or scuba dive. Getting out among people helps others better see your value and become interested in you. As they say, people are interested in interesting people.

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BOOK EXCERPT #3

Growing Older, Alone & Single

The Pros, Cons & Cost Of Living To Keep In Mind

Excerpted from Bart's book:
Where Are You? & Where Art Thou?
© 2024 by Bart Smith
Reprinted by permission.

While we’re on the subject of being single, I would like to touch upon something related to being single and that’s growing old single. The pros, the cons and the cost of living and some other factors to keep in mind as you go through this book. I bring this up because I want you to keep in mind certain realities that everyone faces when they’re single and growing older in life without someone.

Like I said, the pros, the cons and cost of living. If you’re young, what you’ll hear me say should serve as some powerful insight as to what your future holds if you were to grow old single. Many young people today fear they will grow old, alone and be single for the rest of their life without someone. For those who are currently in their 40’s or 50’s (or order), then what I have to say may serve you as confirmation as to what you may or may not be experiencing at that stage of life.

So, without any further adieu, let’s get to it. Oh, by the way, growing old, single isn’t a bad thing either. I’ve known people who are in their 40’s and 50’s and love life at that age, despite being single! It may not be the case for everyone, but it is for many who love their single status as they age.

THE PROS OF GROWING
OLD SINGLE & ALONE

In a nutshell, if you happen to grow older, single and alone, by then, hopefully you would have had plenty of time to make and save a lot money (which will serve you well financially as you head into retirement); pursued tons of personal interests, hobbies and activities (which will satisfy you personally and help fill your time as you get older); maybe you’ve traveled the world; maybe you’ve made several new quality friends and acquaintances along the way (which those relationships have lasted 10+ years).

Hopefully, you’ve spent ample free time working out and staying fit and eating well so your health is the best it can be when you get up in age. Many couples tend to get comfortable and gain extra weight during their years together, which is obviously not healthy. Much of your success and personal accomplishments are all due to the fact that you had ample time and availability to do so being single. You weren’t in a relationship, you didn’t have children to care for maybe, perhaps and for the most part, your time was all yours to do with as you please. A good thing, right?

On the flip side, folks who grow older as a couple tend to wind up having expenses, single folks never have, such as expenses related to their children or an ailing spouse with expensive health care costs. Granted, this doesn’t mean you couldn’t have your own health care issues as you grow older, single. Many do.

The PROS about growing older alone and single is … “What were you able to accomplish with all that time to yourself? Did you grow personally? Help others along the way? What did you achieve with your career, interests or hobbies? How did you choose to impact the world and still leave some kind of personal legacy behind?” Growing older, alone and single, can have its benefits. So, don’t think it’s all bad or some kind of life sentence. Life is what you make of it. Many times, people replace having a significant other with great friends, fun hobbies and other interests that feed them personal fulfillment for years on end. A good thing, that’s for sure.

THE CONS OF GROWING
OLD SINGLE & ALONE

The only cons related to growing older, single and alone, is that you might not have anyone to share those great and wonderful events and memories in life with on an “intimate basis” with someone you happen to fall in love with and be close together with, intimately, for years; perhaps decades.

You might not have children or a family of your own. For some folks in their 50’s and 60’s and higher, I’ve heard them say how much they were saddened to see their (older) friends with children, grandchildren and great grandchildren. They chose the single life to pursue their career or live life on high (single) throughout their 20s, 30s and even 40s, which isn’t a bad thing (if that’s your choice). But, decisions have gains as well as consequences alike. It’s just that at the end of the line, they didn’t pay the personal price (when they were in their 20s, 30s or 40s) of having children and raising a family of their own. So, their holidays wound up being a little more quieter than if there were, say, 10-15 people running around singing carols and whatnot. Sure, you can live vicariously through your immediate family, other relatives or a close friend’s family who has those things, but there’s no one special in your life who you can run to when you want to share your personal ups and downs. What’s more, if you do happen to fall on hard times, who do you have to depend on? Sometimes, those “hard times” are temporary, such as a few months out of work, maybe a year or two getting over a certain kind of health issue. You can just imagine. Who’s there to cover your bills so you can get through those hard times and come out on top? If you’re alone, who’s gonna make you that hearty bowl of soup and bring it to you while you lay in bed getting better? Who’s going to pay for some or all of your bills when you’re out of work? No one, well, maybe Mom or Dad, IF they’re alive to do so or if they can. I know of friends in their 40s and 50s who are busy taking care of their ailing parents. Their parents can’t take care of them as they need the help and assistance.

What’s more, there’s the issue of sex and romantic intimacy as you age. The older you get, the more careful you are when it comes to sleeping around so loosely as you might have when you were younger. It’s also harder to let people into your life, intimately speaking, because you want to protect all that you’ve earned and accumulated at that stage of life. You don’t want roommates. You don’t want deadbeats who haven’t been able to get their life in order over the past 20-40 years. As we age, there are other factors to take into consideration when it comes to dating and finding someone you can trust to have sex with in the first place, such as your own (aging) health issues, looks and physical performance issues, living arrangements, etc. Granted, anybody can have sex and at any age. Hey, let the sparks fly, baby, no matter how old you are, right? YEAH!!!

The point I’m trying to make is, for years, the sexual bonding, skin on skin cuddling in bed night after night, the romantic naked baths and midnight romps with a significant other are not there because … you were single. Is that the end of the world? NO! But, it is something you may have missed out on. Maybe you instead spent your life working, making lots of money, hiking canyons, sewing your weekends or playing video games night after night for the past 30 years? Hey, good for you!

I think you get what I’m trying to say here. All those years, single and alone, and you missed out on some of the great moments in personal growth, sexually speaking, isn’t the end of the world. There are couples in sexless marriages. There are couples who have lost interest in each other for other reasons beyond the bedroom. So, whether you’re single or in a relationship, there will always be pros and cons. The challenge is, how can you make your life (while single or in a relationship) the best it can be!?!?

THE COSTS OF GROWING
OLD SINGLE & ALONE

When it comes to the costs of living as you get older, well, that my friend is almost entirely upon your shoulders, if you are single. Granted, a relative might pass away and leave you some kind of inheritance. I’ll pray it’s a million dollars! Sometimes, though, what happens is a parent (let’s say) didn’t plan well for their passing. They left bills behind and a scrambled estate that everyone’s attacking. That’s something you should help plan to avoid if you can. Where you’re concerned, you cannot rely on anyone and this is just my advice. Prepare, while you’re young, to make a lot of money, and invest it for 20+ years. In fact, learn how to make money investing. Once you hit a certain age, finding work will become very hard to come by. You won’t be hired because you’re too old and/or overqualified. DON’T rely on Social Security paying your bills. That’s a bankrupt organization. Your health care costs and insurance premiums always stand to increase as you age. Living alone, single, can pose many cost issues. Just be prepared if you can. You have time, hopefully. PLAN, how will you pay your bills, rent/mortgage, and entertainment expenses when you don’t have a job or you’re retired for 20+ years? Again, even if you have some kind of financial assistance from the government or company pension, will it be enough? With inflation on the rise these days and a devaluing dollar, who the heck knows. Probably not. So many companies today don’t offer the kinds of retirement packages they used to offer their employees who stayed with a company for 20+ years. Even government agencies are having trouble paying their retirees’ pensions? Whole cities are going bankrupt because of these obligations. Besides, who stays with any company these days for more than 2-5 years, right? Better plan ahead. Work hard, save, have a few side-hustles to bring in extra money to pay debt and/or start investing. It’s never too late!

So, whether you choose to grow older single and alone or you happen to grow older with someone in a loving relationship, age does pose its challenges and on many levels. The trick is to take things slow, yet hustle where hustling counts, become the best you can be, never stop improving yourself, find ways to make more money constantly, have a lot of fun with every year you grow older (e.g., you’re as young as you think you are), and never let anyone take advantage of you, personally, sexually, financially or any other way. As a result? I say you’ll be just fine!

When it comes to the costs of living as you get older, well, that my friend is almost entirely upon your shoulders, if you are single. Granted, a relative might pass away and leave you some kind of inheritance. I’ll pray it’s a million dollars! Sometimes, though, what happens is a parent (let’s say) didn’t plan well for their passing. They left bills behind and a scrambled estate that everyone’s attacking. That’s something you should help plan to avoid if you can. Where you’re concerned, you cannot rely on anyone and this is just my advice. Prepare, while you’re young, to make a lot of money, and invest it for 20+ years. In fact, learn how to make money investing. Once you hit a certain age, finding work will become very hard to come by. You won’t be hired because you’re too old and/or overqualified. DON’T rely on Social Security paying your bills. That’s a bankrupt organization. Your health care costs and insurance premiums always stand to increase as you age. Living alone, single, can pose many cost issues. Just be prepared if you can. You have time, hopefully. PLAN, how will you pay your bills, rent/mortgage, and entertainment expenses when you don’t have a job or you’re retired for 20+ years? Again, even if you have some kind of financial assistance from the government or company pension, will it be enough? With inflation on the rise these days and a devaluing dollar, who the heck knows. Probably not. So many companies today don’t offer the kinds of retirement packages they used to offer their employees who stayed with a company for 20+ years. Even government agencies are having trouble paying their retirees’ pensions? Whole cities are going bankrupt because of these obligations. Besides, who stays with any company these days for more than 2-5 years, right? Better plan ahead. Work hard, save, have a few side-hustles to bring in extra money to pay debt and/or start investing. It’s never too late!

So, whether you choose to grow older single and alone or you happen to grow older with someone in a loving relationship, age does pose its challenges and on many levels. The trick is to take things slow, yet hustle where hustling counts, become the best you can be, never stop improving yourself, find ways to make more money constantly, have a lot of fun with every year you grow older (e.g., you’re as young as you think you are), and never let anyone take advantage of you, personally, sexually, financially or any other way. As a result? I say you’ll be just fine!

When it comes to the costs of living as you get older, well, that my friend is almost entirely upon your shoulders, if you are single. Granted, a relative might pass away and leave you some kind of inheritance. I’ll pray it’s a million dollars! Sometimes, though, what happens is a parent (let’s say) didn’t plan well for their passing. They left bills behind and a scrambled estate that everyone’s attacking. That’s something you should help plan to avoid if you can. Where you’re concerned, you cannot rely on anyone and this is just my advice. Prepare, while you’re young, to make a lot of money, and invest it for 20+ years. In fact, learn how to make money investing. Once you hit a certain age, finding work will become very hard to come by. You won’t be hired because you’re too old and/or overqualified. DON’T rely on Social Security paying your bills. That’s a bankrupt organization. Your health care costs and insurance premiums always stand to increase as you age. Living alone, single, can pose many cost issues. Just be prepared if you can. You have time, hopefully. PLAN, how will you pay your bills, rent/mortgage, and entertainment expenses when you don’t have a job or you’re retired for 20+ years? Again, even if you have some kind of financial assistance from the government or company pension, will it be enough? With inflation on the rise these days and a devaluing dollar, who the heck knows. Probably not. So many companies today don’t offer the kinds of retirement packages they used to offer their employees who stayed with a company for 20+ years. Even government agencies are having trouble paying their retirees’ pensions? Whole cities are going bankrupt because of these obligations. Besides, who stays with any company these days for more than 2-5 years, right? Better plan ahead. Work hard, save, have a few side-hustles to bring in extra money to pay debt and/or start investing. It’s never too late!

So, whether you choose to grow older single and alone or you happen to grow older with someone in a loving relationship, age does pose its challenges and on many levels. The trick is to take things slow, yet hustle where hustling counts, become the best you can be, never stop improving yourself, find ways to make more money constantly, have a lot of fun with every year you grow older (e.g., you’re as young as you think you are), and never let anyone take advantage of you, personally, sexually, financially or any other way. As a result? I say you’ll be just fine!

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BOOK EXCERPT #4

Evaluate, Cultivate & Enhance What I Call The 10 Ly’s About You!

(How Do You Size Yourself Up: Mentally, Intellectually, Emotionally, Physically, Financially, Spiritually, Domestically, Geographically and then what about your Availability?)

Excerpted from Bart's book:
Where Are You? & Where Art Thou?
© 2024 by Bart Smith
Reprinted by permission.

I remember talking to a young lady once about life and love over the phone. We were friends and she always enjoyed our conversations and cherished my relationship advice. Well, while on the phone with her, out of the blue, I came up with what I called the five “Ly’s!” At the time there were only five. To date, I’ve come up with five more for a total of ten.

Well, she said to me, “What are they?” I proceeded to tell her what they were, right off the top of my head, ad libbing the whole time as they came out of me for the first time. But, to be honest, they rolled off my tongue so smoothly and they really helped her out. To this day, I personally look to evaluate, cultivate and enhance my own growth in these key areas of life and loving someone so I might be the best person I can be to that special someone I give my heart and life to.

What’s more, you can easily learn about someone quickly by observing, unbeknownst to them, these same areas of life in them. Whenever you head out into the big wide world to find love keep these “10 Ly’s” in mind:

1. MENTALLY – How are you mentally speaking? How’s your mental health? How would you rate it? (1=not good, 10=great). If not so hot, are you getting help? When we encounter someone who’s interested in spending time with you, not that you have to ask him/her directly, “How’s your mental health?,” but pay close attention to how they respond and interact with you. Look for subtle cues and clues. Are they quick to anger? Do they show signs of depression? Do they exhibit any signs of sadness, irritability, mood swings, social withdrawal or dramatic changes in eating or sleeping habits? These are just some signs of mental illness. Check in with them, “Hey, how are you today? Are you feeling okay?” Judge their response if you should keep seeing this person or direct them to get help. Remember, you’re not paid to be someone’s therapist. So, use your best judgment when it comes to spending time with someone you think has potential. Always be on the lookout for any kind of mental illness.

2. EMOTIONALLY – How are you doing emotionally? I like to separate this from the “Mentally” category only because our emotions deal somewhat more with the heart, whereas mental issues deal more with the mind, right? That said, how are you doing? Do the dating prospects you’ve been coming into contact appear to be emotionally stable? How can you tell? Well, emotionally unstable people tend to have low self-esteem and trouble trusting themselves, substance addiction issues, they might cancel plans and fail to keep commitments, have a pessimistic approach to life, move too fast too soon (because they're in need of ___ (fill in the blank), their moods change rapidly, they have trouble calming themselves down, they show impulsive behaviors, they have strained relationships, they don’t take ownership of their behavior, they try to create drama to seek attention, they’re highly image focused, they’re fearful of criticism and rejection, they’re too self-disclosing too soon, they make decisions without forethought or behave erratically, they tend to rush into things they get over excited about, they react to events in inappropriate or completely unexpected ways, and they might be prone to flipping out when something doesn't go their way, … among other related traits. WOW, guess what? YOU WANT NOTHING to do with this type of person in your relationship world. Let them heal on their own, far, far away from you. If you think you might identify with any of these traits, hey, do just that. Get some help and heal. When you're ready, jump back in the dating pool. We can't wait for you to join us. Do know, we're praying for amazing progress and speedy resolutions to what's on your mind and in your heart.

3. INTELLECTUALLY – How smart are you? Do you got smarts real good? Joking aside, what is your level of education, on the job training, self-study, IQ, and/or skill-set acquisition look like? The definition of intelligence is having a good understanding or a high mental capacity; quick to comprehend, displaying or characterized by quickness of understanding; sound thought; or good judgment; having the faculty of reasoning and understanding. Enough said, right? I’d love to meet a woman like that, and guys, one very sexy trait we men have that women look for is intelligence (in the men they date/love/marry). Why? Men who possess strong levels of intellect are known to be problem solvers, they keep cool under pressure more often than not and know how to resolve conflicts. They listen, reflect, and respond to constructive suggestions instead of flying off the handle. Intelligent men and women are highly adaptable, they acknowledge how much they don’t know, they have an insatiable curiosity, they ask great questions, they’re sensitive to other people’s feelings and experiences, they’re open-minded, and quite skeptical (in a good way). I’d say we all want a lover and a lifetime mate who’s an intellectual, right? Ask them lots of questions and just listen to their answers. Do they sound smart? Then, hey, you might have an intellectual on your hands. Go get ‘em tiger.

4. PHYSICALLY – How’s your physical health? Are you in shape or could you lose a few pounds? How’s your muscle mass? Do you do any strength training? Strong bones and muscles can help protect against injury and improve one’s balance and coordination; especially in bed! I’m kidding! Maybe not, haha! Really though, we all should dedicate 3-5 days a week to working out for at least 30 minutes per day. ANYTHING COUNTS! Hit the gym, get outside, workout at home or a combination. If you work from home, like I do, we have NO EXCUSE not to be able to work in a workout. We don’t commute to work. So? Spend that time you would be driving working out for 30 minutes (minimum). If you work at the office, can you speed walk during lunch? How about work out first thing in the morning before or after work? How about on the weekends? Check out my fitness/weight-loss book in the back of this book for ideas on how to get in shape and lose weight! You want to be fit, healthy and look your best so you can romp and jump your lover, right? You bet.

5. FINANCIALLY – How are your finances? In good shape? Are you poor? Broke? Okay? Loaded? Living paycheck to paycheck? How’s your credit? Unless you’re madly in love with someone and you’ve been dating for 100 years and plan on getting married (whether you got to nickels to rub together), still, it’s wise to get your financials in order and be making good money before you get into any long-term relationship with anyone, especially marriage. Sure, love does conquer all, but it doesn’t pay the bills, per se. So, work work work and make make make MONEY!!!! Remember this ratio: SPEND 1/3, TAXES 1/3, SAVE/INVEST 1/3. Can you do that? Sure you can. I talk about money coming up later in PART I.3. Don’t skip that section. It’s filled with amazing money tips and financial wisdom for you and for you and your love interest!

6. SPIRITUALLY – How are you, spiritually, speaking? Are you religious? Spiritual? Do you know the difference? What are your values, virtues, beliefs and faith in this area? Do you worship a certain kind of faith/religion? If so, it’s fine to state that in the open up front. If you don’t follow the teachings of any particular faith, that’s alright too. As long as you follow BART’S RELIGION, which is: (1) BE NICE, (2) Don’t touch anyone unless you have an invitation to do so and (3) Don’t kill anyone. That’s it. You follow those 3 tenants and I bet your life will be a good one. I’m kidding, not really, but you get the idea. Be kind to others. You don’t know what kind of day they’re having or life they’ve led. Pray for people who need help who you can’t help (directly). Respect other people’s religions. Talk about your faith to the one you have an interest in. Do you have common faith interests? If so great! If not, talk these things out. If someone forces you to take on their faith in order to date/marry them, I’d, well, consider wishing them well. Give an inch, someone’s gonna take a mile. Know what I mean?

7. DOMESTICALLY – The definition of “domestic,” after looking it up means or relates to the running of a home or to family relations; relating to the household or the family. Yup, that’s what I wanted to talk about. In today’s me me me society, does the one you’re interested in have any interest in turning their attention outwardly to the world inward to focus on you, your home and starting a family, if you want one? Imagine, someone you’re interested in has 1.5 million fans on Instagram. Okay, good for them. You have 15. I’ve noticed some women, in particular, have lost the female character traits of their mothers and grandmothers. As in, they’re so focused on beauty, likes, views and subscribers, they’ve lost touch (maybe interest) in building a home with their man. Sure, dating comes first, exclusivity next, then what? Moving in together? Marriage? Then, there’s the act of sharing chores, domestic happiness, domestic bliss and all the things that make a home a happy place for two people in love to come home to. They close that door to the world and they are alone, together, to dive into their own worlds as one. A beautiful thing, to say the least. So, is the gal (or guy) ready (or even interested) in building a home with you? Ask them, what’s your idea of a loving home with the perfect man/lady in your life? See how they respond.

8. SEXUALLY – I know you, you just couldn’t wait to get to this “Ly,” right? Alright, then, let’s dive in. How are you, sexually in the bedroom or around the house, on the kitchen counter, on the living room floor, in the back seat of your car, out of sight making love at the top row in a movie theater while the movie plays on for those seated in the lower rows, or at your hotel Jacuzzi suite getaway weekend with your deep loving significant other? You haven’t lost your sex drive or sex appeal, have you? Yikes! We gotta get it back! I’M KIDDING! Really though, what is your sexual experience? Good? Not so good? Not much experience? Non-existent? Are you into sex? Here’s a better question? Are you (or would you be) into pleasing your romantic lover more than you are at receiving pleasure from them? I say this because, guys, our job is to shower our gal with so much love, romance and orgasmic sexual pleasure, they don’t want to get out of bed, they’re completely spent and satisfied beyond measure, their friends are madly jealous their boyfriends/husbands don’t give them that kind of sexual attention like you do. Trust me, I’ve heard all the stories and was the root cause of all that envy. Just read Laws Of The Bedroom and Fantasy Boyfriend and you’ll know why. Guys, those two books are all you need to read and learn (about sex and pleasing a woman) right out of her mind every time you just touch her. Ladies, read those books, raise your bar (and his) of personal pleasure you’d like done to (and for) you for the rest of your life, and, well, let your clothes fall where they may and let the foreplay begin each and every time!

9. GEOGRAPHICALLY – Where do you live? Safe area? Rough area? Beautiful area? Loud area? I bring up geography because long distance relationships are often hard to manage when desires to see one another cost you both time and money every time you want to get together. Been there, done that. Not all that great. Sure, it can be done, but the truth is, if you’re in love with someone, don’t spend a minute away from each other if you can help it. Sure, you have to go to work and do life things apart. I get that. But, stay close to the one you love while dating. If you’re dating/married and have to travel often away from your love, call them on the phone and talk to them about what you would do if you were together. That time is almost like pillow talk and quite nourishing to the heart and soul. ALSO, if you live in a rough part of town, are the prospects there of any interest to you? I only bring this up so you consider your options. No prospects? No quality prospects? It might be time to move. Relocate to an area that has equal or better job prospects, entertainment opportunities and dating prospects as well. Living near or in a big city sure beats living out on highway I-95-I’m-lonely in the middle of the desert or in an area where bullets fly by more often than birds and planes do. Over all, you deserve the best. The best dating (prospects), the safest areas for you and your (potential) family and the best life possible in an area that promotes high levels of safety, great shopping for nourishing your domestic desires, and everything else related to where you (and yours) choose to live.

10. AVAILABILITY – HAHA, I know this last one ends in a “TY,” but the truth is, it’s a valid category to judge if someone is “available” to date you and, what’s more, can “commit” to dating you. I mean, they could have all the other “Ly’s” in order, but they’re not available to you for some reason? Are they not emotionally available? Are they only into dating you for sex or other favors? What’s going on here? Do they just want to be friends? Friends with benefits? What do they want? What’s their “availability” and yours? Life is short and not worth wasting it away with people who only see you as an appetizer and not the main dish to be consumed every night for years to come. Right?

Wow, that’s some list to think about, eh? Having gone through all those “Ly’s” and “Ty,” what do you think about them? What’s your biggest take away? I think about these aspects (of life and loving someone) as the basic building blocks to a solid foundation for life, living it, finding love, loving your mate and how they interact with you in a healthy manner. Wouldn’t you agree? Without a solid foundation in any of these specific areas, your dating life, relationships and marriage could absolutely be at the total mercy of those uncertain and unstable emotional winds that only lead to an end sooner than later in the relationship. On the contrary, we want all our relationship efforts to last as long as they can. Hence, why it’s important to size yourself up to these areas and the one you might choose to spend most of your time (if not your life) with, intimately, speaking.

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BOOK EXCERPT #5

STOP Doing These Things!

(You’ll greatly improve the odds of finding/keeping love in your life!)

Excerpted from Bart's book:
Where Are You? & Where Art Thou?
© 2024 by Bart Smith
Reprinted by permission.

Really, STOP IT! Stop doing all of the following things you’re about to read if and where it applies. If you try my advice on and stop doing X for awhile, observe the results. In life, everything we do or don’t do has a positive or negative consequence.

The more positive consequences we can create, compared to negative ones, the more successful we’ll be when it comes to getting out there, finding someone and getting into a healthy relationship with that special someone.

So, after you’ve gone through all the “STOPS,” ask yourself, “What would happen if I did stop doing (these things) that Bart suggests? Would I really become a better me? That much more attractive? Safer? More productive in my search for love? In a better head space mentally to vet the good (prospects) from the bad? Maybe! Okay, Bart, I’ll try stopping all that applies to me for a while and see what happens!” Great, that’s all I ask. Okay, are you ready? Let’s start with this first one:

• STOP beating around the bush. Be straightforward. State what you want and say what you mean. Get to the point. Be open and transparent. Everything’s going to come out eventually anyway, per se. Spit it out for goodness’ sake! Now, I don’t mind mystery when it comes to getting to know you. But, in some cases don’t waste time. Just come out with it.

• STOP beating yourself up and get out there! HAVE FUN! WHOEVER gravitates to you is someone to prospect for love!

• STOP being argumentative or being so negative (all or most) of the time. It’s a real turn off. Smile, be happy, and don’t let things bug you so much. It’s just not worth it. BE HAPPY!

• STOP wanting to date or marry out of desperation. So true. Date/marry because you found someone who could be your soulmate not your cellmate. Romantic relationships and misery do not make good company together.

• STOP being BORING and be exciting instead! Start by taking a fun class and do that once a week or every couple of weeks. Get off the couch, get outside and start living!

• STOP being mean and saying negative things to people; especially the one you love. If this runs in your family, maybe your mom and/or dad never said a nice thing to you while growing up, well, “that was them and this is now!” In other words, build your own road of happiness.

• STOP being so bossy and barking orders all the time. No one likes to be yelled at, controlled or told what to do. Let up some.

• STOP being so independent. Show prospective mates you need and want their help, contributions, guidance instead of boasting you’re so strong and independent. If you don’t need anyone, most people will accept your ability to be ALONE on your own (e.g., that’s what independent means) and they won’t stop to talk to you or help you. If they’re not stopping to talk or help you, you’re not giving them a chance to get to know you. So, accidentally drop something near them and see if they offer to help. If they do, say, “I did this on purpose to get your attention. Got a minute to talk?” AND SMILE!

STOP being so surface-like in personality and character. Instead, “BE DEEP!” Take things slower. You have much more to offer. You’re more careful about who you let into your world. When you’re young, you don’t have much (experience, money, etc.), so you go fast (to acquire such). When you’re older, you realize you have more (time, resources, etc.), so you take it slower and maybe more methodical. Hook-ups are fast. You don’t do hook-ups. You’re into 5-10 hour sessions in bed with 3-8 orgasms for her and 1-3 orgasms for him. You’re like a ship at sea. Ships move slowly, but they’re also exciting and majestic to the eye and to be near.

• STOP being so nice. It’s nice to be nice, but not to the point where you’re being taken advantage of. Boundaries, remember.

• STOP being so sensitive and/or emotional. That can get draining and tiring after a while. Develop a backbone. Let some things roll off your back. Sometimes it’s better to react without reacting. Let it go.

• STOP being so triggered when you don’t agree with what someone said or they made a mistake and you won’t forgive them. This usually winds up contributing to the cancel culture epidemic happening all throughout society today. One little thing upsets you and you cry out to have that person’s account deleted, fired from their job, etc. Stop it! Stop this insanity and grow some thicker skin. Learn to see someone else’s point of view; accept apologies; and forgive people for making mistakes. If you don’t, you could be next and out the door you go. No one’s perfect. Give folks a break more than you already do.

• STOP coming off as desperate. Desperation is very unattractive. Both men and women can smell it. Get a hold of yourself. Pick yourself up. Improve yourself. Work on yourself. You actually have more options and strengths than you think. So, don’t feel like the first (or next) person who comes along will be the last person interested in you. That’s horse pucky!

• STOP dating people who hold you back, hold you down, discourage you, are negative towards you, beat you up emotionally, mentally, physically, etc. Three letters = BYE! Four letters = DOOR! Five letters = Out-U-Go!

• STOP dressing so hot and seductive like with a lot of skin showing, ladies. (Guys, stop dressing like bums. Put on a sport coat from time to time. You’ll stand out of the crowd and look important; and like someone everyone wants to get to know.) Yes, ladies, be careful how you dress. The sexier you dress when you’re single the more you’ll attract the wrong type of guys. You know this to be true, so don’t try getting around it. Do you want short-run/fling relationships or long-term relationships with a great man who can really devote himself to you and your lifetime growth? Ladies, like I said earlier, do you want to be looked at or gawked at? Also, accept the fact you’re contributing to the objectification of women. Okay? Alright, now, cover up. Guys, instead of dressing like a dork, dress like you’re going to meet your banker. A sport coat, nice shirt, slacks and shoes. Dress like a model. Dress like a male model, at least 2-3 times a week.

• STOP eating or drinking too much. Stop smoking or doing drugs. Stop polluting your mind and/or body with whatever it is you’re doing. Stop it. It’s not healthy or good for you.

• STOP exuding so much confidence and that you love being single, don’t need someone in your life, and so forth. If you don’t show signs you want someone, people will have the tendency to leave you alone. I know I said that earlier, but it’s worth repeating. If that’s not what you want, show interest in others, go out after prospects that appeal to you. Be seen. Show a vulnerable side to you without risking any true vulnerability.

• STOP having sex with people you have no intention of being with, whether that’s just friends (with benefits) or a long-term relationship or something. You’ll be semi-stuck with them for the rest of your life and you may never get rid of them. They’ll come back to you on social media, “Hey, what’s up? Wanna meet for coffee, and maybe f*** later?” If you want those people to come back and haunt you, go ahead, sleep around. Just, … don’t do it. Stop this behavior. Sleep with someone who’s in your life for the long run not the short-run.

• STOP keeping the bar so low. Raise your standards, not your expectations. Then, LIVE by your (new) standards.

• STOP letting people treat you like a doormat. So, true! Stop letting people talk over, run you over, have their way, treat you like dirt. That ends NOW!

• STOP letting people dictate how you should LIVE YOUR LIFE! Here’s what you do → BUILD YOUR “LIFE CASTLE” the way you see fit! It starts by creating boundaries, decorate your home the way you want, work hard, save your money, spend wisely, experience life (have fun), be healthy, don’t care what people think (“F’ the rest, you’re the best,” I say.), invite those in who respect your rules/boundaries, find someone you are attracted to and get along with and do activities with them. YOU’RE BOTH wanting to build a castle/home together.

• STOP living in fear of your life, psychically, and learn some self-defense moves, carry a gun or other weapon and know where the exits are at all times. Have someone walk you to your car when it’s late at night. Don’t even question this. Think of the times we’re living in today! Exactly.

• STOP listening to music that is ghetto, thug-life related, and degrading to women. “Yeah, I don’t care how many hoes I screw because I’m the top n***r in the hood.” OOOOKAYYYY, uh, NO! No, as in, there are no brain cells in that kind of music, let alone respect for women. Am I right? Ladies, pay close attention to the lyrics. Do you condone all that swearing and other garbage directed at women? See what kind of man you attract when you listen to that kind of music. Guys? Stop listening to that music as well. Listen to songs that portray more loving and romantic or motivational themes in them. Eventually, they will last you a lifetime; not the other brain damaging music that belongs in the garbage can!

• STOP looking for love in all the wrong places. Where do you live? Where do you work or socialize? Start looking in new places if the current/old places don’t generate the romantic results you want. Bad luck in the city? Spend some time in the country or vice versa. Do some activities in some new areas of town and meet the people who live out there. If/when you meet someone, you might choose to move closer to them or who knows!

• STOP meeting prospective mates in the wrong places. When finding love, you have to be somewhat strategic, because sometimes, where you meet the future love of your life will determine the quality of the relationship you will have with them. [TIP: Meet your prospective mate where your passions are, whether for work or pleasure; expos, conferences, art galleries, classes, events, … any place where you can talk to people and get to know them.]

• STOP obsessing about being single, being alone, or living life without someone. Instead, become who you want to spend the rest of your life with, because you will. Find out what you love and follow the scent of your passion; love will meet you there, guaranteed. People are naturally interested in interesting people. Become that type of person.

• STOP obsessing about your failed relationships. Meeting someone new is not dependent on your past relationship experience. Every day is a chance to meet someone new. Single men/women are everywhere. Just get out there and roll the dice again and again until you win the jackpot!

• STOP obsessing about your looks. Maybe you are not attractive to yourself in the mirror, but you don't know if you're attractive to someone else. There's someone out there who will think you are beautiful (or good looking). Meanwhile, keep working on yourself and get out there. Your amazing energy will attract the right person to you. What’s more, there’s a lot more beauty on the inside of us than we give ourselves credit for. Focus on that (=YOUR INSIDES) BIG TIME! Draw people to you magically with your inner beauty and personality. Looks aren’t everything. I talk about that in an upcoming section. You’re gonna love it!

(THERE ARE 19 MORE "STOP" RECOMMENDATIONS IN THE BOOK)

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BOOK EXCERPT #6

SEX! What You Need To Know & Keep Close To Your Heart

Excerpted from Bart's book:
Where Are You? & Where Art Thou?
© 2024 by Bart Smith
Reprinted by permission.

Alright, it’s time to touch upon a very sensitive subject, yes, SEX! What should you know? What do I want you to know? What do I want you to keep in mind? Such great questions you have! Let’s get into it. You know, sex is the source of a lot of pleasure and pain for everyone on this planet. Some experience more pleasure and some experience more pain. That said, the following advice I have for in the area of sex is so you can maximize your pleasure, all while minimizing your pain. Does that make sense?

One thing I’ll say up front is I’m not going to challenge your religious views on sex or your _____ (fill in the blank). What I have to say hones in on both pain and pleasure (related to sex) and one more “p” word, which is? Protection! Of? Your heart, mind and body and in that order. C’mon, let’s get started. Just read what you’re about to read with an open mind and imagine yourself implementing every piece of advice I have for you. See how your sex life improves in ways you never thought it could or would. Where do we begin? It doesn’t matter. Each of these elements are vital throughout your life. So, here we go:

SEX: It’s like fire, it can warm you or it can burn you. Which do you prefer ALL of the time? What’s more, sex is like a million dollar bank account. Share it with no one unless you know, trust and love the person you’re with and that person knows, trusts and loves you in return. What’s more, no relationship, no sex. No hook-ups, no one-night stands, no booty calls, no quickies (unless you’re in a relationship and have only 10 minutes before you head out to dinner; been there, done that) Otherwise, there are people out there today who WILL STEAL everything you have and leave you with nothing. Is that what you want? Do you want good times associated with sex or bad times? Your choice, your call. You can’t have both.

SEX: It’s not the “quantity of bodies” you've had sex with that makes you a great lover, but the “quantity of times” you’ve slept with one person that makes you a great lover. Multiple sexual partners doesn’t allow you to really get to know someone intimately or give them the deepest amount of pleasure possible and on a regular basis. Imagine trying to study 100 subjects. You’d fail miserably compared to if you only studied one! Likewise, that single romp you have with 100 different people only left you hungry for more (sex), but you can’t go back to them for more. You could, but they’re doing someone new now. Sorry. Lesson here is, give ALL your SEX to ONE PERSON and see how SEX gets better and better.

SEX/COMEBACK: “Sure, I’ll have sex with you if you first give me ‘time’ to get to know you. How much time? I don’t know. I need ‘time’ to find out. Oh, you don’t want to stick around for me to get to know you? Well, you just answered my question then as to how much ‘time’ you would give me (in the area of commitment) AFTER we would have had sex. Which is ZERO. So, I’m glad you’re on your way. Sorry we didn’t have sex, but I’m glad we didn’t at the same time.”

SEX: Give it (your sexual jewels) up too soon, and you know how that usually works out. Not very well. Like a thief you show your jewelry to. They run right out the door with the goods and you’re left with nothing, but pain and regret.

SEX: Ladies, remember your bodies are built to bring life into the world. Respect that fact and don’t do too much (drinking, drugs, smoking, etc.) to trash your body. If you've (already) brought life into this world, go ahead trash it. I’M KIDDING! Really, though, you get the idea here. Yes, you can enjoy sex as much as men, just remember, your bodies are different than a man’s body. Man’s sexual organs and pleasure is derived from external organs sticking out. A woman’s pleasure and reproductive facilities are all internal. Women have to be doubly careful. Their bodies need more care, as you are quite aware, ladies. Men, take care of the woman you’re with. Respect her body. Don’t harm it. It’s sacred and a gift to her and you.

SEX: Everyone loves it, but how do they feel afterward? Used? Empty? Discarded? Sex feels good, yes, everyone agrees. The question is knowing how to contain the act (of sex) within a trusting/loving relationship with someone so the feelings you experience afterwards are those of joy, smiles, relaxation, growth of your relationship together, knowledge of how your body reacted to all that was done to it, ladies, during your love making sessions with your significant other.

SEX: To the degree you give it up too soon (i.e., sex) in a relationship that’s not even developed yet, you “cheapen” it. It’s lost all its value. Would a school give anyone a degree or diploma without putting in the time? Now, that would cheapen it. There’s nothing empowering about giving away your most prized possession to someone you hardly even know. You’ve been fed (societal) lies, folks. “Here, take my car keys and drive my car anywhere you want. Just promise to come back, okay? Here are my house keys too and the password to my bank account. Just don’t screw me okay? I know we just met, but I really want to feel ‘empowered’ (i.e., bullsh** statement of false safety/confidence), that I feel I can openly share those valuable things with you fast upfront before ever getting to know you. Oh, hold my wallet too. The PIN# to my credit cards is …” Yeah, what crap. NO ONE in their right mind would share such valuable information/assets/belongings without? Getting to know the person they were giving it to. Yet, we’re told that we are sexual creatures and should be open, free and liberated from old school morals that suppress our sexual expressions. Again, more B.S. Folks, junk that mindset and tighten down the hatches. Be good to yourself and protect what’s yours, what’s sacred, what’s valuable and trust no one with it (your genitals and nakedness) unless you are in the confines of a protected, long-term, committed relationship. It makes sense, right? You bet.

SEX: Now, I’m not going to say wait until you’re married to have sex, because many people don’t get married until they’re in their late 20s, 30s or even 40s. I do think that’d be kinda harsh to wait 20 (adult) years to have sex, right? Yikes! What I will say is a committed, monogamous, long-term relationship is a lot like marriage in the sense that, you are only having sex with one person. Two people are getting all of each other and no one else. Their sexual activity is private and contained within their bond and commitment to each other, and not three or more people like with open relationships that never work out and always end badly for the women involved. So, don’t do that. You see, in the old days, that was the rule, though. That’s why we hear it all the time. “Wait until marriage to have sex!” Yeah, well, in the old days, they didn’t have birth control like we do today and marriage happened much younger (17-21 years of age). Life expectancy was also lower back then too. Men and women were dying between 30 and 40 years of age. So, marriage was something you held sacred and needed to protect (your bodies) for that event. Parents didn’t want their children messing anything up by getting pregnant before they got married. TODAY, we have too many advancements in birth control options and a more liberal mindset that has opened the doors to having supposedly more and safer sex and fewer pregnancies. But, more and safer sex doesn’t always mean it’s truly safer for our hearts, minds or even our bodies. More sex today between a multitude of people (i.e., promiscuous behavior) has lead to more STDs than ever before in history. More sex in more non-committal relationships has created more depression, guilt and regret among those who engage in such behavior. More sex and less focus on love and romance has perpetuated the growing number of singles out there than men and women coupling up. “No one dates on our college campus anymore. Everyone is just hooking up. Guys don’t want to a relationship and girls are sort of like sluts just sleeping around for any attention a guy could give her since they’re not being asked out on dates.” You can imagine that kind of talk is true, unhealthy and only leads to diseases, heartaches, a lack of love, respect, romance and a maturation with someone bonded to you, whether it be for a year, 2 years, 5 years, etc. The lesson here, don’t have sex unless you’re in a relationship. Ladies, you can control this. No relationship, no sex with the guy(s) who are pushing you for sex on the onset of a supposed relationship. Uh, no. Not so fast. Guys, listen up. You don’t want to be sleepin’ with all the women you can get away with. You don’t want to be sleeping with just any woman (you don’t really know) for that quick one hour thrill. It can, and oftentimes does, come back to haunt you, one way or another. I once heard of this guy who teaches pick-up artist style techniques. He purports that he’s slept with 1,000+ women. Okay, good for him, right? Wrong. I wouldn’t want 1,000 woman thinking about how I left them quickly (and never wanted to see them again) and just used them to get my rocks off all while using their bodies as my sperm container. Uh, no. Ever hear of the men who donated their sperm to sperm banks? Yeah, the kids of those moms now want to meet their real dads. Great. He gave his sperm to help 100 women get pregnant. Now, he’s got 100 kids after him to ask him for money, favors and love. I remember hearing about a lead singer of a rock band who slept with 100’s of women, got many of them pregnant and the band’s manager was getting all these calls from all these women wanting to know if they could get financial support or marry the singer. WHAT A FIASCO. Then there were rock singers who purchased “palimony insurance” in case they did get groupies pregnant. I’ll say something about these rock stars and all their groupies. Have you noticed something? After a number of years on the road bangin’ all the chicks they can, it all ends. When looks fade, the money dries up or their fame, what happens? They find someone they have a connection with, they settle down and some marry. They’re in a committed relationship because that’s what stands the test of time and protects all their accumulated wealth going into the future. You spread your seed, guys, you spread your (present/future) wealth. Not good. You spread your legs, ladies, for too many men, you spread your soul to every man who will leave you. Not good. Oh, it doesn’t work that way, you say? B.S. You know it does. Don’t kowtow to what society or the media or your peers say. Follow your heart and only do what’s right and in your best interest. Period. Next.

SEX: Having sex without a committed relationship and with several women leads to the phrase, “Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free.” Well, it’s true. In the olden days, women would give up sex with a man in exchange for his commitment to her. Today, commitment’s a dirty word and has been thrown out the window and now everyone's just sleeping around with everyone. The problem is, no one realizes just how much pleasure they could really get if they just slept with one person in a committed relationship. Would you rather make rental/mortgage payments on 20 properties or just one where you can get the most bang for your buck? (Pardon the pun!) The other problem we have today is that we have people in committed relationships who aren’t having really great sex. So? They breakup sooner than later, go from relationship to relationship or they cheat. So, commitment isn’t everything. QUALITY of sex is, too.

SEX: Even those who are proud of their 100+ body count (having had sex with) still want to get off the speed way and settle down with one person. You can't keep sleeping around. It gets exhausting, you can’t keep up with all the inquiries back at ya after time goes by and it’s just not supposed to work out that way. No, you find one person, spend time with them, learn, grow, and see how far you can last. The more you grow together, heck, might have just found your soulmate. If not, you break up and try it again. NO ONE stays at the same job forever. NO ONE lives in the same house forever. NO ONE wears the same clothes they wore when they were a teenager. All things in life progress, for better or for worse. The question is, in that time, in that relationship, how are you growing? Are you with someone who can teach you things, push you, comfort you all while enjoying your company, conversation and more? I would hope so.

SEX: Here's how sex is supposed to happen. Woman meets man. Woman likes man. Man likes woman. They spend time GETTING TO KNOW EACH OTHER, not GETTING IT ON. Okay, that's been established. Whew! Now, the biology of their bodies, chemistry, attraction and "urges" are starting to grow wildly between them. Good. That's healthy! What's supposed to happen next? He TAKES HIS TIME and controls the excitement growing between them. HE TAKES THE LEAD IN CONTROLLING (HIS) URGES while hers continue to GROW for him! What's more? Days, weeks maybe even months go by and they HAVE NOT HAD SEX. Why? BECAUSE, they're getting to know if either one of them is whack psycho. I'm not kidding! When they discover they're okay, that they really like each other; that they really would like to spend quality time together; they've each been vetted as best as possible; they each got their (negative) STD report back during this waiting period, still ... the man's going to take his time, teasing, romancing and playing with her (in a fun, healthy, sexy way). In doing so, the woman feels he has created a safe zone for her to roam around (him) mentally, emotionally, and physically. She can move as fast (or as slow) as she wants. He's letting her do all the driving. WHY is this important? Because men must allow a woman's body time to warm up to enjoy the process of making love. Men can get warmed up for the event (sex) in five minutes. Women? It's best to give them time. Could be an hour, three hours, half a day, a week, etc. All depends on the stage of the relationship they're at with each other. Okay, back to our regularly scheduled program. Time and time again, the man should always create a safe, romantic and sensual environment for his gal so she can do just one thing → MAKE HER COME UNDONE in his arms and well, at that point, your imaginations can run wild. Now, why is this sequence of events so important? For starters, the man shows he's not thirsty, in a rush, or wanting to "smash 'n' grab" her jewels and run off with them before she can have her pleasure. Also, he's obeying the LAW OF THE BEDROOM, which says, "she comes first!" Also, she gets to spend quality (intimate) time with her (new) man. What's more, he draws out of her so much pleasure, that it lasts beyond the bedroom. That smile she wears now lasts days, weeks, maybe months, because she spent three (+) hours with him in bed, maybe three (+) days in bed! Now, rinse and repeat these steps, guys, when you're with your gal, and watch your lady smile. Ladies, see how your (past/present) man compares to this set of steps. Is he close? Nowhere close? Well, you've been informed. Inform him now on how love making should go down. See his reaction? Does he get upset? Is he (always) in a rush to get sex over with? “Oh, thanks baby, you’re so sweet, that was great. I gotta run, “ says the guy after 15 minutes of sex. “I’ll make sure you get yours next time.” Uh, NO. That there is against the LAW (OF THE BEDROOM). That's what I'm trying to get across. This act (of sex) should never be rushed. The best sex is that which is drawn out of her over the course of hours, days, weeks and spread out all over the bed so she feels completely safe and in love with the man she's making love to for hours on end until it ends, which should be .... never.

(THERE ARE 17 MORE SMART "SEX" TIPS IN THE BOOK)

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BOOK EXCERPT #7

Bart’s Rules About Money You Should Know, Live & Date By!!!

Excerpted from Bart's book:
Where Are You? & Where Art Thou?
© 2024 by Bart Smith
Reprinted by permission.

In the interest of personal development and dating combined, let’s talk about money. Why? Because money attracts people together and it’s the cause of most divorces, too. So, keep these things in mind regarding money when you think about dating, entering into a relationship and getting married:

MONEY: Date the person, not their pocketbook. Don’t date someone just because they have (a lot) money. They might turn out to be a horrible person. The more money someone has, odds are, the more choices they have when it comes to dating. Which means? Take a number. You’re not the only one vying for their attention or in their bed. I remember listening to a young woman talk about wanting to date someone. Trouble was, all she talked about was how rich he had to be. AT NO TIME did she ever mention the personal qualities he had to have or what she brought to the table, personality wise? It was just money money money. Wow, talk about an empty soul. “Money can’t buy me love!” Remember? If you can be bought (i.e., influenced with money), you can be returned right where you came from.

MONEY: Impress people with what you do for a living, what you know, how you treat them, how creative you are and NOT with your money. Sure, if you’ve got some, enjoy yourselves. Just don’t use it to mask what’s going on (or missing) on the inside of your soul. Also, I’m not against striving to make a lot of money. Hey, go for it. Just don’t make money be everything you’re about. That gets boring real fast. I know a guy who whenever we talk, it’s always about the (big) money he makes. (“Yeah, last night I just sold X for $Y and I just made $Z this week. I was offered $Q if I wanted to sell my …” That’s all I ever hear from him. Never, Merry Christmas or Happy New Year. EMPTY EMPTY EMPTY is his soul. REAL BORING to talk to. By the way, he has no wife, a few cling-on girlfriends who just want his money and a deadbeat son who burns through the money his dad gives him. Do you see patterns here you don’t want to emulate?

MONEY: (1) Everyone NEEDS money. If you want to get into a relationship, (2) be making money. (i.e., job, business, sales, investments, etc.) No broke jokers allowed in your world. (3) LIE about how much money you make/have, no matter the amount. Follow the 80/20 rule. Display 20% and hide the rest (80%). Yes, show you have a car, an apartment, a job, but that's it. Your money is not easily accessible. I don’t want you giving out loans to new dates on the block. (4) TELL THE TRUTH about how much you make when you get close to marriage ONLY or a similar committed relationship.

MONEY: Date someone you can work with and make a lot of money together. That's best, really. You both contribute 50% to the project/business. In the event you ever marry and get divorced, guess what? You both put in half and you each get half.

MONEY: Tell no one you have A LOT of money, especially if you just inherited a huge amount. For at least a year, (still) look broke in the eyes of others. Pay off any outstanding bills quietly and don’t tell anyone about it. Fix your credit. That will take 3-9 months and about $1,2500 to 3,500 on average. The point is, IF you come into a lot of money, clean up your “financial house” first. Also, don’t be so quick to pay off large loans (like student loans) with all your money. Instead, learn how to make money with your money and get the profits from your learning and pay those bills down.

MONEY: Who pays for dates? Typically, the person who asks you out on the date pays. If you’re a woman, and you ask a man out, you should pay. Thereafter, the man can pay. WHY does the man pay for dates? It’s not to prove he’s a traditional man. There are none of them left. It’s not to prove he has a job. He can borrow $50 from his buddy in hopes he’ll get a chance to get into your pants later. The reason why men paid for dates in the past was the fact that women had so many choices that if she were to pay to meet men (and find a prospective husband) she’d go broke. So, the men paid to encourage a woman to spend time with him to “get to know him!” IF she liked him, he would plan a second date, which he paid for that too. After a third date, well, in the old days, she might make him a meal or offer to treat him. Today, it’s all messed up. Men and women don’t know if they’re coming or going or who should pay or should he pull out the chair for her as she sits down to show a nice gentleman-like gesture? Today, some women abuse this and go out with men just to get fed and save money. They never had any intentions of dating the man. They just enjoy the free meal. That’s not nice. Speaking of the idea that women want to see if the man is a “traditional” man and pays for dates. How do we test if women are “traditional” women? Should they sew something for him or make him dinner after a few dates? Try answering that one. If men want a traditional woman, just like they want a traditional man? What, then, does a woman do to prove she’s a traditional woman?

MONEY: Live below your means. Save for a rainy day. Keep $500-$2,500 socked away in a savings account in case of emergencies. You don’t want to be dating someone and you can’t fix your own car if it needs repairs. Sure, they’ll drive you around to the grocery store, but don’t expect them to give you a loan for $900 to fix your car. You’re dating, you’re not married.

MONEY: Friends and family can borrow from you either 1x, 2x or 3x. After that, (your) bank is closed. Oh, and don’t expect to be paid back. IF YOU’RE NOT paid back, the bank is especially closed. I would say to someone who wanted to borrow money from me; if you want to borrow more money, pay back what you borrowed. I work like a bank, not a church.

MONEY: Lie and say your accountant controls your money. Lie and say you never carry cash on you. Lie and say someone hacked your credit card, bank account, CashApp or Venmo account and you don’t have access to your funds right now. Lie and tell them you’re being audited right now by the IRS and you can’t move a dime until the audit is over. These tactics are only used when you have someone who keeps pestering you for money. LIE. It works.

(THERE ARE 12 MORE SMART "MONEY" TIPS IN THE BOOK)

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BOOK EXCERPT #8

Many People Don’t Know What They Want In A Relationship or What They’re Missing Out On, Because They've Never Experienced Certain Things or Have Been Told What’s Possible!

Excerpted from Bart's book:
Where Are You? & Where Art Thou?
© 2024 by Bart Smith
Reprinted by permission.

In my conversations with men and women, mostly women, I might drop a line or two about what’s possible in an intimate, deep-loving relationship. Their response? “Bart, I never knew that kind of pleasure/joy was ever possible.” That’s when I started to see a pattern emerge among folks, whether young or old, single or currently in a relationship. They had never known what was possible to experience between two people. Maybe they never knew what to ask. Maybe they settled for whatever they could get. Perhaps, because they’d never been exposed to such ideas, joys or relationship concepts; or their own love lives were so drenched in drama or lost in today’s jargon of woo woo words and hot air that they’ve just never been in a relationship, period. Because of those reasons and possibly others, single folks today just HOPE they’ll meet someone with the qualities they’re looking for that can take them down that long-term road of relationship bliss.

Unfortunately, it doesn’t always work out that way. In fact, in most cases, today’s relationships are short-lived, end horribly for one or both parties involved and the chances of getting into a new and better relationship just don’t look that promising based on all their past experiences. Can you relate? Well, let me help you. Here's what I personally want, look for and expect to be present in any relationship I enter into. My question to you is, do you want the same thing or am I close to hitting the mark or?

ON THE OBVIOUS,
MUST-HAVE, CAN’T DO
WITHOUT SIDE OF
THINGS … I WANT,
DESIRE & EXPECT:

I’m always (and only) on the lookout for a relationship that has the potential to turn into a long term relationship and/or marriage. Nothing else. For you ladies, that might sound like, “I want the fairy tale,” and it is. You should only want that. Sure, if you’re coming out of a marriage or relationship and you want to date lightly, that’s cool. On the whole, here’s what I want from an intimate relationship and in this order:

1. NO ARGUING – I don’t like it and try my best to create an environment that’s happy, nurturing, devoid of conflict and no arguing. I’ve had girlfriends tell me, “Bart, I could never get you angry.” Or, “I would feel bad trying to get you mad, because all you would do is turn that situation into something positive.” In my lifetime, maintaining relationships where arguing is next to non-existent, is vital to our overall happiness. If we do argue, I will get on my knees, grab you by the waist like a child to diffuse any physical harm you think could come to you because I’m taller and stronger than you. What’s more, I won’t be throwing things. IF I do, it will be a paper towel or a pillow to the ground. Maybe I’ll lie down and pout. The whole point here is I’m trying to diffuse an argumentative situation with some humor. Also, with any argument, there’s always some kind of resolution, answer or ending. Why not seek the truth, whatever it might be, and get back to getting along, having fun, smiling, etc. That said, if I spend my days trying to make you laugh 100 times per day, I don’t think we have time for arguing. So, no arguing.

2. OPEN COMMUNICATION (24/7/365) – We talk a lot. We’re also checking in to see how the other person is doing. “Hey, how was your day? Can I help or be of any assistance?” Everything eventually comes out. We might as well be vocal and speak our minds all the time.

3. NO ADDICTIONS, SUBSTANCE USE OR ABUSE – This is a biggy. No drugs, smoking weed, drinking alcohol every night. For me, I’ve just seen the damage it can do. This goes for eating unhealthy foods as well. Addictions to fast foods are out the window and not allowed in my camp. Maybe if we’re on a road trip, that’s okay. Otherwise, nope.

4. HEALTH & FITNESS IS IMPORTANT – I do like to work out and stay in shape. I hope you do too. I couldn’t be with someone who didn’t care about their physical health as much as I did. We don’t have to train for the Olympics or be obsessed with working out, no. Instead, we just know how important working out is and the benefits it can bring to us as individuals and collectively as a unit.

5. RESPECT BETWEEN US IS STRONG – Respect goes a long way in fostering a healthy relationship. Respect goes both ways. I respect your decisions as you might respect mine. If either one of us is wrong, hey, we look into it and find the right answer. No one feels we have to be right. I want what’s right and so do you. To the level we respect each other is also to the extent we trust each other.

6. GREAT SEX, PASSION & GETTING OUR JOLLIES OFF – This is a must. This is passion, the essence of life, what bonds us together. I’m so into you as you’re into me. I do things to you that you’ve never had done to you. I’ll ask you what you’d like done to you. Then, I’ll do all that for hours on end. I want you so spent and satisfied, that you don’t need to look elsewhere to get your needs met. Know what I mean? Passion between us runs very deep.

7. FUN TIMES / HAPPY EXPERIENCES / LAUGHTER – Let’s get out of Dodge every so often. Let’s attend a concert from time to time. Let’s start new hobbies we can do together. Let’s laugh all the time. A sense of humor is a must-have! Let’s always seek to make each other feel loved, cared for, wanted, happy, etc.

8. PERSONAL GROWTH & RESPONSIBILITY – I’d love to see you grow with me. I’d love to see you have a desire for learning new skills, participating in new hobbies and taking responsibility for how you go about growing, personally.

9. FINANCIAL GROWTH & RESPONSIBILITY – No matter who makes the bulk of the money in our relationship, we’re frugal spenders; savers, we’re investors; we make active, passive and residual income; we make our money online and from home. We also love to work from home. We don’t buy a lot of bling bling and we don’t show it off to others publicly. Our wealth is hidden. We don’t want the world to know how rich we are. I don’t want people coming to us for loans non-stop.

10. I LIKE THINGS TO BE ULTRA CLEAN – That’s right. I have seen some pretty disgusting houses, owned by both women and men. I can’t stand clutter, disarray or anything out of order. Not that I’m a neat freak, on the contrary, I’ve got a lot on my mind and I don’t like clutter messing up my space. Sure, my desk might be a mess, but that’s where magic happens. The rest of the house? Spotless! If I have to do the house cleaning, I will. I just expect my gal to be clean too and not make messes and clean up after herself, which most do. I’m just staying. I think it’s safe to say we both do each other’s dishes and the house cleaning. We do those things together. In fact, I might cook and she clears the plates. Whichever works out best. I’ve had so many friends come to my home and tell me, “Bart, your house is immaculate. It’s like a showcase house for sale.” I like walking into my kitchen, dining area or living room and seeing cleanliness.

So far, how’s that list for what we all want in a relationship? I mean, if you had those ten things going for you in your relationship, don’t you think your relationship would be a happy one? I mean, who likes to argue? Who doesn’t want great sex? Who doesn’t want to be made to feel loved 24/7/365? Who doesn’t want a clean home? If I missed anything, I’m sure it might fall into one of those ten categories or just add it to the list, right? Here are a few more things I’m sure you’d like in your relationship with a significant other:

• Physical touch (i.e., to be held, hugged, holding hands)

• Acts of kindness (i.e., think of me without me telling you)

• Of service to each other (i.e., we care for each other)

• Quality time (i.e., I miss you, let’s hang out)

• Words of affirmation (i.e., speak positively to each other)

• Gifts of thoughtfulness (i.e., I’m always thinking of you)

• Space from each other (i.e., makes us want each other)

• To be asked how we feel (i.e., good, bad, happy, not happy)

• Patience … (i.e., don’t be quick to judge or react)

• Space … (i.e., when we need it from each other!)

• Humor … (i.e., we laugh a lot, we’re always smiling)

• Love … (i.e., non-stop, always growing!)

• Romance … (i.e., sprinkled throughout our relationship!)

• Just to talk (and you’ll listen for as long as I need you to, then respond) …

What else can you think of that probably belongs on that list? Can you see with this kind of relationship, each party isn’t just being used for their body? This relationship has what it takes to go the distance. Is that what we all want? The potential to go the distance with someone? Absolutely!

How about:

• Dependability

• Faithfulness

• Commitment

• Fidelity

• Dedication

• Protection

• Devotion

• You want to build something for the long run.

• You don’t want drive-through, fast food level kind of relationship. You want wholesome and hearty.

That’s a pretty fair list of personal traits to bring to any relationship, isn’t it? I’d say so. In fact, speaking of relationships, what should you bring to the proverbial relationship table? Well, let’s talk about it.

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BOOK EXCERPT #9

For The Ladies: Qualities Of A Good Man Women Should Look For

Excerpted from Bart's book:
Where Are You? & Where Art Thou?
© 2024 by Bart Smith
Reprinted by permission.

1. Drive, ambition or a plan. This requires him to be a focused individual with dreams, goals, ideals and a vision for his future. No future? No dreams? Just living day-to-day, just getting by, no concerns about the future? Fu’get him and move on, ladies!

2. Has skills, knowledge, trade skills, education, knows about computers, software or other technical skills.

3. A car, apt/home, some decent belongings. No traveling/living out of a gym bag. HAHA

4. A job, some form of income, has his own business or would like to start one, plans to make more $$$ in the near future. (Increase knowledge, new licensing, finish/get another degree, etc.)

5. Has some money, isn't (always) broke, can pay his own way 90% of the time, while you (ladies) treat from time to time (10%). He's not borrowing money on a consistent basis from friends/relatives.

6. Knowledge of, currently in, or studying investments (i.e., crypto, stocks, options, real estate, etc.). Any aspirations?

7. Minimal time spent hanging with the boys, playing games, watching TV, etc. (i.e., minimizes time wasting activities)

8. No drug use, no tolerance, doesn't hang with people who do drugs (even legal weed).

9. Social drinker (acceptable). Drinks daily? Not acceptable. If he drinks, does he drink and gets drunk (often)? That’s a no-no. Does he rarely drink? How many drinks does he have when the two of you go out? 1-2? Okay. 3-10? Sorry, uh, buh bye!

10. In shape, semi healthy, doesn't have poor eating habits, works out a few days a week (at a minimum).

11. He's liked by other people, friends, family, clients/customers ...

12. He's good in the bedroom, respectful to her, serves her (needs) first/always, never judgmental, doesn’t say crude things about her body like some idiot, uh insensitive, men do.

13. Can cook or is at least interested in learning? At least learn 3-5 meals out of my cookbook, Who’s Hungry?

14. Good hygiene, dental, health, avoids having body odor ...

15. Responsible, pays his bills, car tags up to date, taxes paid, car registered, license in good standing, little/no debt.

16. Relationship with his mom? Good/bad? Hopefully good, or maybe his mom isn’t around or she's a you know what and he’s better off avoiding her. I’ve heard stories.

17. Relationship with his dad? Good/bad? How is it?

18. Past relationships? What were they like? Who broke up with who and why? Do any of his exes still keep coming around? Does HE still talk about them or try to communicate with them (for sex)? Does he have kids with how many of his exes?

19. Eagerness to get back into a relationship and level of desire to go the distance in a long-term relationship?

20. Has kids, wants kids, good with kids? Doesn’t want kids?

21. Knowledge of romance, intimacy, sex, female orgasms? What are HIS priorities going into the bedroom? If he needs help, refer him to my books Laws Of The Bedroom and Fantasy Boyfriend. That’s all he’ll ever have to read (or listen to).

22. Mental, emotional and psychological health, how is it? Is he depressed? Is he on medication? If so, just watch out.

23. Fowl mouth/language, ghetto mindset, defends laziness, cultural tendencies that show utter ignorance, sheer stupidity, and a lack of intelligence, to be honest. Uh, say, “goodbye!”

I'm sure there are more, but this list pretty much nails it. Eh, ladies?

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BOOK EXCERPT #10

For The Men: Qualities Of A Good Woman Men Should Look For

Excerpted from Bart's book:
Where Are You? & Where Art Thou?
© 2024 by Bart Smith
Reprinted by permission.

Now ladies, if men exhibit all the qualities you just read in the previous section, is it too much to ask that you provide those qualities men look for in a woman? IN THE LONG RUN, it's the only thing that will make love last. Do you exhibit some or all of the following traits men look for in a woman:

1. She chooses to be more feminine than masculine around him. She’s sweet, kind, and smiles. She’s not scary, intimidating or mean. Trust me, I’ve seen scary, mean and intimidating women. They’re single, alone, and good men want nothing to do with them. Men aren’t innocent either, in many cases. For now, though, we’re talking about women.

2. She listens and feels free to share what’s on her mind in a calm and loving manner when she’s with her man because he encourages her to do so. “Come here, honey. What’s on your mind? It’s eventually going to come out. You might as well tell me,” he says to her in a soft, confident, loving voice.

3. She avoids drama, doesn’t bring it into her home or the relationship with her man. Men despise drama, can’t stand it, don’t want to be around it, and if they do, they know what to do … LEAVE THE ROOM or (worse) THE RELATIONSHIP!

4. She keeps secret what goes on and is said between her and her man. Talking behind her man’s back is a no-no. If she struggles with him, sure, seek counsel with good friends or a family member, but return to discuss things with him or … leave him because he’s not treating you right.

5. She does her best to stay fit, in shape and eats well, like he tries to as well. Hey, couples can get (too) comfortable around each other after a while until they’re both 20-100 pounds overweight! YIKES! STAY FIT & HEALTHY!

6. How are her relationships with her friends and family? Wonderful? On the rocks? Toxic? Okay? Loving and respectful?

7. She thinks of others, cares about them, shows concern and doesn’t always put the spotlight on herself 24/7.

8. She’s responsible, pays her own bills, is self-reliant, she’s employable, and skillful.

9. She doesn’t proclaim or broadcast that she’s strong, powerful or independent and that she doesn’t need a man. Self-reliant is a better word than independent. Resilient, dedicated, determined and disciplined are better words than strong (because men are naturally stronger than women). You say you don’t need a man, but you really do, deep down. Ladies, careers come and go and most women don’t have careers. They have jobs they hate and change every 2-5 years. At the end of every day, most women want a man they love to come home to for hugs, quality time, fun, thrills in the bedroom, romance, well … you know what you want ladies. IF you say you don’t need a man, that you’re independent and strong … men take that as, “Okay, then you don’t need me. I’ll bid you farewell and a good life.” Isn’t that true? How has those phrases returned good fortune upon women in the love and romance department? THE GOVERNMENT wants you working full-time, all the time and pursuing careers and jobs so they can TAX YOU TOO! Keep THAT in mind too. COMPANIES want you to have your own apartment/home, car, TV set, bedroom furniture so they can SELL YOU YOUR OWN belongings. IF you live with a man, that means only one sale and not two of everything. Remember that, too. You’ve been duped, ladies, into thinking you are those things, when really, your bodies aren’t strong like men, you’re not as independent as you think you are (if you want your man to support you) and you do need a man if you want to fall in love, make babies, have a family, etc.

10. She doesn’t look outward and to others through her Instagram channel (for example) filled with booty pics and boob shots for acceptance, adoration and approval. Instead, she’s modest, dresses sexy, yet modestly. She doesn’t drown her Instagram channel, for example, with endless photos of her. On occasion, she includes a photo of her man to showcase her love for someone else besides herself! The love, approval and adoration she seeks comes from her man and her man only. She keeps in mind that men don’t want to share her with the rest of the world and 1,000’s of other men who gawk, gaze and stare at all her T’n’A shots.

11. She respects her man, enjoys learning from him, encourages him, supports his dreams, goals and desires as he does hers.

12. She finds her man to be her best friend and confidant over time as he finds her to be his best friend too.

13. She is her own problem solver, sharp, intelligent, educated. In some cases, well-read or in step with what’s going on in the world and not ignorant about current events.

14. She enjoys spending quality time with her man, while he feels the same to spend quality time with her. They tend to spend more time with each other than they do with friends and family. Why so? As we age, your significant other tends to fulfill much of what a best friend does.

15. She doesn’t infringe on her man’s personal space. Men need time alone or to spend with the guys or a single male friend. She should let him have his space. Surely, there will be times he needs to let his gal have her time and space. We all need time and space from those we love from time to time.

16. She’s clean, organized, and possesses the domestic skills to maintain a good home.

17. She’s romantic / wants to be romantic, wants her man to be romantic, helps her man be romantic, adores her man because he is (or has become more) romantic.

18. She doesn’t keep things bottled up inside, as he shouldn’t either. Both men and women should feel safe in communicating in the open, trusting transparency and speaking one's mind with care, thought and respect.

19. She celebrates her man’s achievements, just as he does likewise when she experiences her own victories.

20. She stands behind him, loves him and does her very best to create a home he loves to come home to.

21. She can cook at least a few meals. Again, ladies, I’d love to share with you 10+ meals we men love. They come right out of my cookbook, Who’s Hungry? Learn to make 2-3 meals and watch him love you 24/7/365. Yes, the way to a man’s heart IS through his stomach, among other ways. Don’t forget!

So far, how’s this list for ya, gals/guys? I don’t know any man who wouldn’t want a gal that resembles the qualities on this list. Ladies, how do you stack up to this list? Make a note of those things you might want to work on and feel great about those qualities you thought you related to in a positive manner.

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BOOK EXCERPT #11

Other Great Qualities To Look For In The "One" For You

Excerpted from Bart's book:
Where Are You? & Where Art Thou?
© 2024 by Bart Smith
Reprinted by permission.

1. Choose someone more based on how they help you with your life goals, etc. Not just because they want you or they have money or they're good looking. Looks fade, money is lost and won, YOU will always have to live with you. So, how are YOU improving? How is this person in your life improving you?

2. What do most people want? To share shelter from this crazy cold world, someone to help make life easier, to fulfill certain life dreams (i.e., kids, family, marriage, travel, experience life with someone, pillow talk, couple conversations, etc.).

3. HER: “I want HIM to be: slow to anger, gentle with me, have good father traits, romantic, great in bed, a good cook, careful with my heart, faithful and good to me.” I (ladies) will be feminine and not confrontational, men don’t need women / men want women and are fine living alone forever and not giving women what they want if they keep bashing men, putting men down, treating men like an ATM or a simple house servant.

4. HIM: I want HER to be: drama-free, kind to my heart, have good wife/mother traits, financially conservative (not a big spender), tries, contributes, is a team player, sticks with me when the chips are down, respects me (as I love her), etc.

5. WOMEN: “Sex is great but I want love and romance to go along with sex. I’m just not looking for someone to date, I’m looking for someone to fall in love with. We do that by spending time together, triggering our biological desires to bond and voila, I found the love of my life.” Ladies, memorize those lines. Make it known you’re not messing around and you’re not going to put up with any B.S.

6. Look for someone with as much life wisdom as you can find. Those men and women are usually quiet, patient, think before they speak, and are constantly wanting to improve themselves, their situation, their income and their life. Those with life wisdom usually aren’t losers, moochers of your time, energy or money. You might have to change the crowd you hang out with if that crowd prevents you from meeting such quality people or constantly drag you down and out to places where your time is wasted, money lost and energy squandered.

7. Ladies, forget about trying to find, date and score the top 20% and the bottom 25% of romantic prospects in men. Go for someone in the middle/up. Get your man while the getting is good. As you age, the pool (of men to date/marry) will grow smaller and smaller. You don't want to be stuck with loser options and rich/powerful men who only just want to buck 'n' chuck (women) midst their harem of revolving door and open relationships.

8. MEN/WOMEN: “It's not that I'm picky, but I have to be. There are a lot of whack folks out there. Plus, it's not that I have this huge WANT list, no. I have a huge DON'T WANT list. I'm trying to avoid the losers/drama-queens and get to the good wholesome prospects.”

9. HONESTLY, the number #1 thing is how we are going to make money because I want to know what you know about money and how to make (lots of) money. I want to know the skills you have because I want to know how we're going to do that. In time, one of us will be without a job or an income and we’ll have to rely on the other person or we’ll have to learn to make money together. It isn't really the age where jobs are abundant and pay that well. With inflation and the cost of living on the rise, we will always need money and more of it. Plus we have to think about retirement and a savings nest egg (i.e., at least $1,000-$5,000 in the bank for emergencies). “Honey, let’s talk about money!”

10. LADIES, you have the power to change everything if you want. If 8 out of 10 women stop having sex so fast, then 8 of those men will have to get sex from 2 women, who will be overwhelmed with requests. That might force them (those 2 women) to see the folly of their ways and join the other 8 (in looking for a relationship). Also, where there are more men than women, women get treated better. Think cowboys! In the old West, there were 100 cowboys to every one woman. The best man with the nicest manners (and a little money) would win a woman’s heart in no time. When there are more women than men in the population, women are treated with less care and more as sex objects because they’re desperate for a man. Men with too many choices don’t really have to settle down so fast (in order to get sex). So, women use sex (mistakenly) to catch a man. Not good. A lot can go wrong when you enter a relationship based on sex.

Find & Choose Someone With A Big Heart Vs. A High-Paced, Quasi-Chaotic Social Life!

It’s easier to take someone out who normally isn’t such the busy socialite than it is to reign in someone whose life revolves around them always going out, always on their Instagram channel posting pictures, always having to be in everyone’s eye, always socializing with way too many people, etc. You’re better off dating/marrying someone who likes to get out of the house once or twice a week versus someone who must go out all the time, dress up 3-5 nights a week, spend a lot of money partying and getting drunk. You know the drill. Just take a look at this illustration and tell me which would you prefer to date/marry (i.e., heart-centered or chaotic/crazy).

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BOOK EXCERPT #12

Dating Inside/Outside Of Your Race/Culture/Community/Age Range

Excerpted from Bart's book:
Where Are You? & Where Art Thou?
© 2024 by Bart Smith
Reprinted by permission.

I don’t see color and neither should you. Here are my thoughts on the matter having had my own experiences and from what I’ve read and observed with others!

1. Performance is the #1 factor when it comes to finding the perfect mate to date, fall in love and spend your life with inside/outside of your race. Now, of course, I’m not talking about the “bedroom kind” of performance, no. Instead of dating based on your race, think about dating exclusively based on one’s performance! As in, how well does this other person PERFORM in his or her own life and in your life as a prospective mate? Do they excite you? Show a romantic interest? Do they have low (or no) standards when it comes to a work ethic, drive, ambition, making/saving money??? If/when anyone lacks in the performance department, that’s a clear sign to … MOVE ON!

2. Who’s on your level? Date/marry who’s on your level or higher and not just because they have the same skin color. Life is a race you want to win with the best chosen teammate. Choose someone who will help you win — not lose or bring you down or hurt your odds at having a great life.

3. Love is love and wherever you can find it, go after it. Care not what others think or say. BECAUSE AT THE END OF THE DAY, it’s not the color of one’s skin (i.e., the outside) that determines how you’re treated, it’s how people are on the INSIDE that determines how you will be loved and treated. Go with whomever is nice to you, kind to you, adores you, loves to hang out with you, and wants to spend time with you. Direct your attention … in their direction!

4. Experiment! Don’t be afraid to branch out. Go for it! Have fun! Finding love is like a GAME! Try different pieces on the game board. Try bending the rules some. Men are great examples of choosing women who they want (i.e., Black women, Asian women, Hispanic women, White women, etc.). Men go for what they want. They don’t seem to have an “allegiance” or “loyalty” to their race? Ladies, you could learn a lot from men in that respect. You too should feel free to pick who you like. Picture this, ladies, if you say you’re strong, independent and powerful, then you’re talking like a man. Right? Well, you might as well “ACT like a man” and “PICK the man” you want “like men pick the women” they want. Exercise your right to choose. You’ve got the right, babe!

5. No one owes anything to anyone when it comes to your personal happiness. Unless they’re paying your bills or dressing you in the morning, they’re not allowed to make life decisions for you. What makes YOU happy? Run with that.

6. Pick someone that benefits you, who’s into you, who adores you, is kind to you, loves you regardless of race, hair color, eye color or anything different from you on the outside.

7. Women typically pick from the batch of men who approach them, which can collectively be a bad batch of men to pick from because those men are of the type who are just playing the numbers game to see how many women they can pick up and “score with!” Yuck! Ladies, branch out and play the numbers game too, but with men from different cultures. YOU approach all kinds of men who you’d like to possibly meet, talk to, hang with, date and eventually marry. You never know how many missed opportunities you’d have if you don’t TRY! What have you got to lose? Nothing! You lose 100% if you don’t try and you’ve got a 50/50% chance you’ll SUCCEED! The glass is half-full, ya hear? Go for it! Guys, same for you. Go up to that gal. So what if she rejects you. That only makes you stronger and she just might appreciate you approaching her!

8. It’s also a benefit to you to date people from other cultures. The insights you learn, the lessons, values, … wow, an education you just couldn’t get by guessing, “Gee, I wonder what it would be like to date him/her?” Well, ask them out and find out!

9. No one’s saying you should not date within your race/culture/community, just be more open to other cultures if you’re not satisfied with your current race, culture or community of prospects.

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BOOK EXCERPT #13

My Take On Age & Dating/Marrying

Excerpted from Bart's book:
Where Are You? & Where Art Thou?
© 2024 by Bart Smith
Reprinted by permission.

Here are my thoughts on the matter, having had my own experiences and from what I’ve read and heard from others!

I’ll keep this real simple … Date the individual who rocks your world and not a category or age bracket, per se. Granted, every age group comes with its own mixed bag of immaturity, lack of life skills, baggage, health problems, body types, financial woes, you name it. No one’s that perfect no matter how older they are. So, date/marry who loves you, who thrills you, who improves your life beyond what you could do on your own or with someone close to your own age. Don’t limit yourself. I do remember dating someone who was 21 when I was only 18. I thought she was so old, you know, three years older than me? BUT, we really enjoyed each other and were inseparable until I moved 2,000 miles away and we had to end our relationship.

Ask the important (and honest) questions about money (i.e., income, bills, debt, etc.), health, past/present relationships, responsibilities, family, friends, personal and mutual goals. How do those answers flow? In agreement? Pose disagreements?

Never mind what others say! You do what floats YOUR boat. Date someone who makes you tingle inside with smiles of joy when you’re together. Date someone older/younger who loves you. Date someone older/younger for the experience, knowledge and insights into a whole new world. Keep the lines of communication open, never stop growing, stay in shape (i.e., don’t let your bodies go), treat each other with respect 24/7, eat well/healthy, keep your finances in order (and keep making more money for all the right reasons) and don’t stop loving each other.

If and when there’s a break up, go easy on each other. Look out for the other person. No need to be mean or nasty. You enjoyed many moons and good times together. Help each other move on to someone new if that has to happen. It may not! You two might have just found you’re perfect for each other and want to spend the rest of your lives together. I’m happy for you. You’ve found what so many struggle to find in this crazy whack world = LOVE! There, that was simple, wasn’t it? You bet. Let’s move on to more great insights in this section of WHERE ARE THOU?

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BOOK EXCERPT #14

Vetting The Future “Love Of Your Life!”

(To protect your time, your heart, your money and your body!)

Excerpted from Bart's book:
Where Are You? & Where Art Thou?
© 2024 by Bart Smith
Reprinted by permission.

The term “vet” means to make a careful and critical examination of (something), in particular, someone who wants into your life on a short-term or long-term basis. Well, here are my personal tactics for vetting someone who wants into your life so you can protect your time, your heart, your money and your body!

“Forget RED FLAGS! If that flag turns orange, I’m outta there!”
– Anyone On A Date

Because there's a lot of sick, messed up people out there with an array of problems, whether they be mental, physical, financial or even criminal, we have to be on the lookout for certain types of people who just aren’t our cup of tea or even capable of going the distance with us in any kind of intimate relationship.

So, we have to be on the lookout for upfront cues (i.e., red flags) that might indicate a potential dating prospect just won’t make the cut and the sooner they get cut the sooner we can move on to more worthy candidates. Right? You bet. Later on in PART 2.2, I’ll go over DEAL BREAKERS, which will further help you along with pre-screening prospects. For now, though, here are some vetting ideas to get you started thinking like I do:

1. How does this person talk? Can they carry on a conversation? Do they talk over you? Do they talk non-stop? Do they interrupt you often? Are they quiet and respectful and let you finish your sentences or do they finish them for you? What does this person talk about (mostly)? Themselves? Politics? What? Do they swear like a sailor? Do they sound or talk like they’re from the ghetto? Do they put others down? Do they sound negative or positive to you? Listen carefully to the words they choose and how they speak. It says a lot about who they are on the inside and what you’ll have to live with possibly.

2. What does this person do for a living? What’s involved in doing their job? Do they have a job? Does it require special training, an education, years of experience or do they even have a job?

3. Does this person have any outside interests besides work? Do they have any hobbies? What do they do for fun? Do they sound fun? Do they know how to have fun?

4. How does this person treat other people? If you get the chance, how do they treat the staff at the restaurant you both went to? Did he/she take a call and how’d that conversation go? Could you listen in openly?

5. How does this person treat YOU? While we can’t tell how someone will treat us in the long run, we can see how they treat us while we get to know them. Specifically, how much time and attention do they give you and to what degree (i.e.,) crazy/weird/aggressive or sweet/kind/caring/thoughtful)?

6. Does this person interested in you have any kind of online presence? Do they have a website or profile on Facebook, LinkedIn, Instagram, TikTok, YouTube or Pinterest? Yes? No? What can you find out? Perform a Google search on them and see if they pop up elsewhere? Maybe they wrote an article or an article was written about them? Maybe they have books for sale on Amazon.com or they have a profile listing on IMDB.com for something they did in the entertainment industry. Maybe they have an app in the Apple / Google Play stores. Maybe they’ve been interviewed. You just never know. Search, research, dig and read whatever you can find out about them.

7. Do a public information research session. This is where you pay $20 or so to look up someone’s personal identity online including current home address, telephone number, email accounts they’ve had, court records, identity verification, etc. Websites like Spokeo.com can help you find out a lot about someone.

Like applying for a job or hiring someone who you’re going to pay with your time, your heart and your life, you need to know a lot about this person who wants to be your life. I have a saying that goes something like this: “trust no one and suspect everyone!” Again, I’ll get into deal breakers coming up soon so stay tuned! In the meantime, these should serve as a good foundation for vetting someone who comes into your life, whether they want to be your lover or even a friend.

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BOOK EXCERPT #15

Warnings, Safeguards & Precautions

Excerpted from Bart's book:
Where Are You? & Where Art Thou?
© 2024 by Bart Smith
Reprinted by permission.

Before I send you out into the big wide world of dating to find the ONE for you, I’d like to bring a few warnings, safeguards and precautions to your attention. Would that be okay? I mean, let’s face it, what we see today in terms of dating prospects can be downright SCARY, DISAPPOINTING and in some cases DANGEROUS to say the least, right? We truly do live in a crazy, whack world and I want you safe and your heart and body protected.

MY TOP 5 RULES FOR PROTECTING YOURSELF

1. TRUST NO ONE, SUSPECT EVERYONE! Even after you let someone into your space to date/marry you, be on the look out, be suspect with your third eye, don’t let it show, but watch for small signs in their behavior, irregularities in their talk, character or deeds that something isn’t quite right and perhaps about to go awry if discovered.

2. RESEARCH THEM ONLINE. A quick, yet diligent, search of someone online to get to know what they’re like via social media, their website and other means can help you gain a fast first impression whether you might like them, click with ‘em or get along with that someone you’re about to meet. Toss in a Zoom call or two and you’ve got that much more information about this person to work with.

3. TAKE THINGS EXTREMELY SLOW IN THE BEGINNING. Doing so allows you to watch for cues, clues and signs of potential misbehavior. What’s more, your taking things slow may expose the other person’s desire to want to speed things up? What’s the rush? Why are they in such a hurry? You know WHY … rhymes with … “BYE!”

4. DON’T BE AFRAID TO ASK HARD AND DIFFICULT QUESTIONS. You have a right to know. You are inviting a total stranger potentially into your life. How do you feel about kids? Are you married and you’re hiding your ring? (“I noticed a tan line. I’M KIDDING! The truth, please!”) Dating other men/women? How many men/women are you sleeping with right now? Even if you’ve known someone since high school or college, as the years pass you by, they can change and not always for the better. I heard a story the other day where my friend (female) and a guy, who have known each other since high school, got together for some fun between the sheets. Well, he turned into the most possessive stalker bragging about his harem of ladies on call and she could be one of them. Uh, BYE!

5. TALLY UP ALL THEIR WRONG DOINGS. How many dirty wrong doings did they rack up over the period of 24 hours? A week? A month? A year? Make note of all the things they did that upset you, hurt you, rub you the wrong way, etc. These things will not go away and/or you cannot change about this person. You’re not paid to be their therapist, as I always say, and so your best move is to do just that … “MOVE ON!” Leave that relationship early on and find someone who’s better suited for you who doesn’t do those things that go against your protocol for being in a loving relationship. Don’t even mention you’re leaving. Just leave and let them chase you down for an explanation. Then, have someone else call them for you. Don’t you do it. Send the message that that person is being watched for his/her bad behavior.

Here are a few more WARNINGS, SAFEGUARDS & PRECAUTIONS I would want you to know about before heading out there to find the ONE for you.

1. If you do something you think (now) is trendy, hip with the times, cool among your friends/peers/generation or modern; but in the long run, you know it won’t last or serve you, then drop that habit, behavior, way of talking, form of dress, etc. It’s a potential turn-off and most likely won’t yield the type of healthy romantic results you’re really looking for.

2. Protect yourself. Don't share yourself (physically) unless you get the quasi-fairy tale. By that I mean, commitment, long-term, monogamous relationship potential.

3. Protect your body like a bank account. You've got a million dollars in your vault/body. Are you going to let just anyone walk into your vault and take what they want without an agreement on what they’re going to offer you? (i.e., long-term commitment)

4. Just because everyone else is doing/saying ______, doesn't mean you should. Don't follow the crowd. Live your own life and to heck with anyone who disagrees with you.

5. You're so close to the trees you can't see the forest. You can't see what you're doing today will impact you down the line in your life (i.e., late 20's, 30's, 40's, 50's). Step back from time to time. Ask friends, “What’s one thing I could work on to improve who I am as a person? What annoys you sometimes about me! Give it to me. I can take it! Just one thing … More later!”

6. We’re all being exploited, used, tricked, conned, stolen from, manipulated … so WATCH OUT, QUESTION everything and everyone that comes your way. What are their motives for interacting with you? Everyone’s got motives (i.e., good or bad). You can tell if someone has good intentions or bad by what? How? By the way they either let you go about your life without their bossing you around or they get upset when you don’t do what they want and they try hard to persuade you, sometimes by force. Not good.

7. Never give anyone more than $1 because they say they’re short on the rent that month or need money to pay a few bills. (1) There’s a good chance you won’t see that money paid back. (2) Give an inch, they’ll take a mile. They’ll ask for more and more and more until you say, “NO MORE! The bank is closed!” Just don’t even let that start up. Tell them you’re broke until payday. If you’re a freelance consultant tell them your clients owe YOU money so you ain’t got none to give.

8. Listen to what people SAY, then watch what they DO! Do they walk their talk? Action, not words. Patterns in their behavior can tell you more than what they tell you.

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BOOK EXCERPT #16

Dating Lies, Myths, Half-Truths & Truths That Need To Be Told, Shared & Busted!

Excerpted from Bart's book:
Where Are You? & Where Art Thou?
© 2024 by Bart Smith
Reprinted by permission.

I really want to clear the air and bust through a lot of this with you! Are you ready? Let's go ...

1. Who pays (for the first date) and why? As a rule, the person who does the inviting pays. Why do women insist on a man paying for the first date? To show he’s a traditional man? That’s B.S. All a man has to do is borrow $50 from his buddy to pay for lunch and you think he’s a traditional man? Hardly! This rule was established in the olden days so a woman, being sought after by several suitors, could visit with each one without it destroying her wallet. Today, there are women who take advantage of this “traditional” gesture and use men for free meals. The real question is, what do women do to show a man she’s a traditional woman? Make a meal for him, if she can cook and not burn water. What? WHAT DOES a woman say, show or do to illustrate she’s a traditional woman for him to consider going on a second date with her? Most women have NOTHING to show that they’re a traditional woman. This is why most first dates should start out with just coffee.

2. A lot of good men are “intimidated” by a successful woman so women should make sure to downplay their accomplishments. Ladies, you don’t have to. Most good men want to hear about your successes, congratulate you and cheer you on. So, be proud of your accomplishments. They’re eventually going to come out anyway when your successes are combined with his in the relationship. Just don’t flaunt them in men’s faces or compare your success with theirs. Most men don’t care if you are successful or not. Men don’t care if you make more or less than them. Men care if you’re kind, loving, sweet, feminine and a team player, among other things men love about women.

3. A man should be able to expect sex after the first couple dates. Uh, NEVER! To get to the gold, he’s gotta work a little harder than just spending a few bucks on a few nights out on the town. No, sex comes with a relationship not a friendship or newly acquainted strangers.

4. A woman should be able to have sex like a man and sleep around, too, with as many guys as she wants. UH, NO! Guys AND gals shouldn’t be sleeping around. Just think of all the STI’s getting passed around when everyone’s sleeping around? STOP IT! Save yourself, okay?

5. Attracting bums, losers, liars and cheaters is your fault, ladies. To some degree, yes. Trust no one; suspect everyone. WHO are you letting into your life? What kind of man are you attracting? Where are you going fishing for a man? Raise your standards and your morals and you’ll catch a better man. Don’t settle for men who still look and talk like they live in the ghetto or long to live the thug life.

6. Attractive men are all cads and womanizers so it’s better to focus on nerdy, shy guys. Not necessarily. There are plenty of good looking men who just take pride in taking good care of themselves. They’re worth going after, ladies.

7. Don't ever let anyone push you into doing something you don’t want to do. Absolutely. I've had women ask ME, your humble author, for sex and I’ve always said, "No. I have a rule, no relationship, commitment, or exclusivity, then no sex. I want more than a fling.”

8. Don’t look down on men, ladies, if he doesn’t have a major social media following (like most of you). Men don’t care what others think about them like women do. It doesn’t make them love you less. In fact, it might make them love you more because they can focus their time and attention on you and not themselves so much. You know, taking selfies every hour every day of their tits and ass and posting them for a constant flow of more likes and confirmation that they look handsome. Oh, no, only women do that mostly and it really annoys men.

9. Stop bragging so much about your education, success and/or financial accomplishments. No one cares because all your degrees, superior-than-other deeds and dollars won’t keep you warm if you’re forever single. People care about people, not your accomplishments. In time, all that fades away and all that’s left are the two of you.

10. Guys, women want (and love) sex just as much as you do so it's okay to push for it sooner than later. UH, NO. Never push a woman into anything. Let her come to you after you’ve made her feel confident you’re going to protect her when she feels you’re ready to receive her. Wait, guys. Let her make that move. It’s sexier when she does.

11. I don’t care what the modern day sex guru says, the more you show it, the more you give it away, the more you cheapen it. YEP! Who wants a used bed or a used car with 500,000 miles on it? Keep your body as clean and as fresh as possible. Of course, I’m not going to pull the modesty / purity card on you, but you get the idea. SAVE YOURSELF for only those who you can HAVE SERIOUS, CONTINUOUS SEX with. No one-night stands, no flings, no nothing of the kind.

12. If a man has a wandering eye it’s because you’re not taking care of things at home. It depends. There are beautiful people (men/women) in this world to look at. Now, if he’s constantly looking at other women (90% of the time) and not looking at you (10% of the time), then we have a problem and it should be addressed.

13. If a man tries hard to get back together after a breakup it’s because he’s changed and you truly were meant to be. Uh, no. He might just be hungry for some nookie and thinks you’ll give him some. Uh, no. Say, “No!” Granted, if his actions show he wants back into your life, then let him prove it. DOUBLE the time you would normally allow before sleeping with someone new. Test him!

14. If you don’t have sex right away with a high-value man, you risk losing him to another gal who will sleep with him. GREAT! Let him go! Where’s his focus with you? Love or lust! Lust? BYE! Love? He should be able to wait!

15. Ladies, if you’re dating more than one guy at a time, you should stop and decide on one. Would you be alright if the men you’re dating also date five other women? People, we need to limit this dating regimen to one person at a time.

16. It doesn’t matter when you have sex with a man, if he likes you he’ll treat you the same. Not so. The sooner you have sex with a man, the sooner he might think you’re easy and leave you for another easy woman. IF he has to work to win your heart before you both hit the sheets, he’ll have more respect for you and treat you … as you treat yourself. With respect. See how easy that is? If you don’t respect yourself, ladies, how can you expect a man to treat you?

17. It’s normal not to orgasm during sex. It is when you ask her if she’d like to come and she says, “I’m good, honey. You made me feel so good this morning/tonight, I don’t need to again right now. Maybe later, though.” That’s if (men) know how to make a woman come. If they don’t and a woman goes too long without having (one or more) orgasms during sex, then she’s being robbed of a good time. I’m sorry. That’s the truth! Guys, get your act together. Read my book or listen to the audio version of Fantasy Boyfriend and Laws Of The Bedroom to find out exactly what I’m talking about.

18. It’s okay for men to ask women to split the bill if the woman doesn’t want to sleep with him. Uh, no. Can’t dinner be about meeting someone and enjoying a conversation? Why does a date (always) have to result in sex afterward? Besides, aren’t you full and can’t really perform? Sex is best when you’re hungry and you’re not bloated, drunk or full from eating. Am I wrong about this?

19. Men and women should (only) date within their own race. UH, NO. It's the person that counts. Race or not, if you're not treated right. Leave and look for love elsewhere. It’s 2022. No one said you have to remain "loyal" to no one.

20. Men don't like strong, independent women. Not true. We admire you and we’re proud of you. You just need to hear what you’re saying, ladies. If you make men feel they’re not needed, by what you say, then don't be surprised when they walk away and let you have your independent stature on the mountain top ... all alone by your lonesome. Men go where they’re wanted, loved and needed. They remove themselves quickly where they’re not. Simple fact. Look at it like a job, task or project men have to spend their time/energy on. If they’re told there’s no job to do (i.e., because you’re strong and independent) then they leave for another job (i.e., woman).

(THERE ARE 20 MORE TRUTHS UNVIELED IN THE BOOK)

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BOOK EXCERPT #17

More Truths & Modern Dating Realities

(What else should you be made aware of, informed of, on the lookout for and genuinely scared of?)

Excerpted from Bart's book:
Where Are You? & Where Art Thou?
© 2024 by Bart Smith
Reprinted by permission.

First, I need to preface this section with the following statement: “Yes, I’m scared for you, for us, and for everyone looking for love in this world. Really, I am! Here’s why.”

When you read the following topics, you might think, “Nah, Bart’s just bluffin’, this (stuff) isn’t really happening in the world around us.” In reality, think long and hard about what I’m going to share with you. You too just might conclude, “Yikes, he might be right. I think there’s some truth to what he’s saying. I better keep it all in mind as I head out there lookin’ for love. Thanks, Bart.”

What you're about to read isn’t meant to upset you or discourage you, but to alert you to the realities in today’s world you’re up against when it comes to finding love and romance.

Next, I wish I were wrong, but these realities must be kept in mind if you plan on lookin’ for love out there in this crazy wack world. Why so? How so? Well, urgency becomes a factor, time becomes a factor, competition becomes a factor, you bringing your best self to the relationship table also becomes a factor. SO MUCH becomes a serious factor in your success in preparing, attracting, finding and securing someone to love for the long haul. That said, check out these modern day realities and think hard as to how you might respond to them. I’ve provided you with my best solutions. I hope they help.

1. Is romance dead? Who or what killed it and how do we get it back? Sadly, romance is dead for most of the population and we all killed it and in many ways. Modern dating killed it. Technology killed it. Dating apps killed it. Hooking up and decades of promiscuity killed it. Too many options (i.e., the grass may be greener somewhere else) killed it. Men killed it when they sought only to have sex with a woman and not offer a loving, long-term, romantic relationship with a potential for marriage, kids and a family in mind. Women killed it when they started sleeping around and having sex like men with no strings attached. Women killed it when their hearts got broken too many times when pursuing relationships and the love and romance they wanted never arrived in the same package as sex. When honesty, chivalry, morality and kindness are next to non-existent and instead replaced by technology which made people quick to respond, less face-to-face communication, vastly insensitive, to some degree cold-hearted and apathetic towards each other, not helping each other and even greedy; is there any reason why “true love” or “romance” could exist in today’s desolate dating climate? More people now prefer the one night stand, the half-night stand, the casual hookup, and other no strings attached deals like friends with benefits and f*** buddies. It has gotten to where people have just thrown in the towel and said “Heck, casual sex is better than no love at all. Maybe it’s best to just start sleeping around.” Marriage itself has been on such a decline that even couples who have fallen in love don’t bother getting married since they know there could be a breakup down the line and they don’t want to risk having to deal with all the financial and legal mess that goes with getting divorced. With all this bad news, how do we bring romance back? For starters, it begins with the individual. YOU and I and others (individually) have to start cultivating a more patient, more romantic sense about ourselves as we go about finding that special someone to love us in return. We must also want the benefits of a RELATIONSHIP and not just SEX. We do this by slowing down. We start by getting to know someone first before we have sex with them (later). We see if there’s chemistry, compatibility, commonality and companionship potential more than the ability to snag a few romps in the sack. By becoming more romantic ourselves, we become contagious lovers who spread our romantic, love-interest desires to the potential one we’re interested in. If they catch our vibe, and join in on it, we are then the very spark needed to launch a badly needed romantic revolution for us all. If you haven’t done so already, be sure to check out my romance novel, Fantasy Boyfriend. Ladies, see how this guy treats the gal who comes into his life. Guys, model how this guy treats the gal who comes into his life. Then, watch sparks fly between you and your romantic love interest just the same.

2. Where have all the “good men” gone? Ladies, they’re all around you, that is, unless they’re in a committed relationship. Too many women buy into the lie that they have all the time in the world to find a man while squandering their 20/30s chasing a “career” (e.g., most women have jobs, not careers and most women quit those jobs every 1-5 years). Never is finding a man their focus until they’re in their 30s/40s when their body clock starts ticking fast. So, for years, all men heard was, “no, no, no; I’m not into your nice guy type; I want the bad boy … I don’t want to date/marry you …” Well, come their 30s/40s, those same men have now acquired resources, assets, a good paying job, they’re debt free and who do they go after? Women 5-10 years younger than them. Where does that leave you, if you’re a woman in your 30s or so? Out on a limb to find an available man who isn’t already married, getting divorced, dating/living with a gal already, living in his mom’s basement or just playing the field. Wow, has that pool of men shrunk since entering their 30s. It gets worse when women enter their 40s and 50s. The good news is, there are still plenty of men around you. The problem is a woman’s expectations and requirements could be too high. So, while working and making money, make finding a man to enter into a relationship with your main focus. Do this with urgency and keep reading this book for more great insight on where and how to find your man.

3. Are men even interested in dating or getting married these days? There are many men who have realized, having watched their fathers, brothers and friends go through devastating divorces and how the court system literally hits them hard financially while taking their kids away too, that in today’s climate, marriage for most men just doesn’t offer a good R.O.I. (Return On Investment) for them to participate in. Also, with women giving it up so easily (i.e., sex) why would any guy need to “buy the cow, when he can get the milk for free.” Where dating is concerned, having been rejected by dozens of women over the years, men have come to settle into the fact that they’re better off single and focused on their work, their passions, friends and projects. They love visiting with them and realize they can save a lot of money if they just remain single and not date or marry a woman. Women are expensive, as they require both a man’s time, energy and financial resources. Men who have decided to go their own way have come to find out they love their alone time and no one to bother them, nag at them, question their whereabouts, etc. With the easy availability of porn and millions of women offering to show their personal naked assets to men online for free or a small fee, hookers, loose women, escorts and women who have busy lives too, is it any wonder men are bowing out of the dating and marriage game? How do you turn this around? It’s not easy, but again, we start with the individual. Ladies, you don’t have to care what the majority (of men) are doing; only what you are doing. Treat your love life like money. Focus in on making a stable income, saving and making more. Create an amazing lifestyle for yourself. LIVE LIFE and as you do that, see who notices and wants to join you on your love journey. Men, too, are looking for a woman who can bring money to the table to cover the bills and so forth. With more women making more than men today, ladies, you might need to concede to be the breadwinner of the family. Not to worry, let him learn how to invest it and make more money with your money. Remember, become an interesting person for men to notice you for all the right reasons. Become the very best YOU you can become and watch that serve as the magnet to hold a man to you. Guys, the same for you. Focus on making money and becoming the best YOU you can become. What’s more, you don’t have to get married — to the State. You can initiate a “living arrangement agreement” into your love life if you found someone to go the long haul with. They help protect what you entered into the relationship with and what you both acquire during your life together. Much easier to determine who owns what and who owes what if your relationship, sadly, comes to an end. You can still have a marriage ceremony. Just don’t apply for a marriage license. Your marriage can still be a holy one, between you, your spouse, the rings on your fingers, a statement before a Notary, the pastor and the friends and family who witnessed it. The STATE does not have to get involved.

4. Where have all the “traditional women” gone? Good question. I’ve heard a lot of women wanting a man to be a “traditional man,” but what about women showing they are a “traditional woman?” Traditional women can maintain a home, nurture a man, a family and a relationship with a man. She can maintain a job, get a degree and make money. Men want a traditional woman, not a modern, loud, liberated, independent, strong, “I don’t need a man” type woman. Men want a woman who is soft, feminine, one who listens and nurtures him, keeps his secrets, listens to him and supports him when the chips are down. She won't leave him when a better man comes around with more resources (i.e., monkey-branching). She doesn’t invade his space when he’s with his friends. Ladies, when a man displays traditional behaviors, don’t shun him or make fun of him or put him down with rude and abusive (modern) female behavior. He’s showing you he is and can be what you want. Don’t push him away. Keep him or … lose him!

5. Ladies, did you know? You are being ERASED from society! Yes, ERASED! I talked about this in my book, Watch Out Ladies. For example, porn is erasing you from men’s minds because you cannot compete sexually with the flood of available high-definition photographs and videos streaming millions of naked women of all shapes, sizes, hair color and wild ‘n’ crazy fetishes who will also never grow old. Robotic sex dolls are coming and will erase you. Sex robot brothels are going to replace you. Legalized prostitution is about to erase you. Escorts, hookers, loose women and the like are giving men the ability to get their sexual jollies off and pay them to leave after the deed is done. Even with certain controversial movements today, women are being erased from society. Now, men can go into women’s bathrooms. Men can play on women’s sports teams and erase their records. Now, we are told men can menstruate and have babies. The term women, females, mother, and other female related terms are being replaced with person, birthing person and bodies with vaginas to conform to modern sensitivities possessed by the minuscule minority of the population. The erasure of “women” is escalating to new levels of absurdity as we speak. Just look around. Ladies, you had better be very scared about this. One day, there may come a time, when you won’t be recognized, needed, wanted, desired or anything if you don’t stand up for what’s happening in today. You will only be used, abused, talked about, left behind, stepped on, left at the curb, tossed out like tomorrow’s trash. The GOOD NEWS: More men are with you on this issue than you think. Even many feminists oppose this movement to erase women. So, engage yourselves, put your foot down, let your voices be heard and stand up to the idiocy of these groups who want to erase you IF YOU WANT TO SAVE … YOUR LOVE LIFE!

6. Men hold the keys to commitment and marriage while women hold the keys to sex. Women can say, “no” to having sex with men all day long. Eventually, some women will cave and have sex with men. MEN can say, “no” all day long to having a relationship with a woman and never commit to getting married all his life. In this reality, men still get what they want (sex), while women don’t really get what they want (commitment). What has to change here, ladies? If you give the customer a product without them paying for it, you wind up broke and the customer gets what they want. So? Looks like you’re going to have to withhold the product (i.e., sex) in exchange for??? … a relationship, commitment and/or marriage.

7. Men are the prize today (not women) and here’s why! For those ladies who think they are the prize, consider this. When it comes to what the modern woman brings to the table, (i.e., please articulate such beyond just sex); when the man you want is expected to provide for you, protect you, entertain you, spend his time and money on you, share his accumulated resources with you, … stop me at any time … What are you willing to do for him? Would you be willing to make him a sandwich or is that beneath you? Make love to him? That’s a start, but what else? You see, if all men need is sex from a woman, he can get that from almost any woman and in almost any form and at almost any age. There’s always a woman willing to have sex with a man for his time and resources. What a woman needs from a man is a lot more and requires her to find a very special kind of man who can provide all those things she wants and only to her. For the woman who can find such a man in today’s sea of single men, she is very lucky. Hence why the man is the prize these days. In the olden days, it was the woman. Now, it’s the man. With “where have all the good men gone,” and “all men want is sex,” for the woman who can find a man who will commit, be faithful, love her, romance her, provide and protect her, and see a future of marriage and possible family, he (the man) is now the real prize today. NOW, I do believe this, that a man who finds a very good woman, as well, she too is a prize to him. So, yes, both relationship-minded men and women are a prize to and for each other. I hope you see my point here, gals. For those whose head is filled with self-glory and an overly sense of internal and external importance, uh, think again. You can easily be erased for another woman who is much sweeter, kinder, more caring, nurturing, selfless (and not selfish), and more loving to a man.

8. Ladies, why are so many women today (of all ages) dressing and posing like hookers in their high heels and hooker dresses? Yes, so many women today think in order to attract a man they have to look *HOT* in a “hooker dress,” strut their bodies and look exactly like hookers looking to turn their next trick. You’ve seen these types of women. Boobs falling out of their dresses, no panties on, lifting their dresses up, 90% leg/skin showing, 10% mini-skirt/coverage. When you have time, just search for the term “hooker dress” and you’ll find them on sale everywhere online. Look on Instagram and you’ll find thousands of women dressing and posing like hookers. Look at real hookers on the street and compare them with these non-hookers (in real life) and you’ll see the same type of image. A friend of mine worked at a Las Vegas hotel and she verified the hooker-like behaviors of most non-hooker women walking through their doors on a Friday/Saturday night. Ladies, I know it’s for attention, but why do you insist on dressing like hookers? Is it fun? Is it for the attention, free drinks, free stuff, to get some kind of financial gain from a man without giving anything in return except eye candy? Perhaps you’d give him a wrong phone number for him to call you or simply block his number when he does call you later or maybe a quickie in the club bathroom? When women eventually get married, those dresses go out the door don’t they? So, is financial gain the goal here? Like boob jobs, the more you influence men to focus on your body, they won’t focus on your mind and will pass you up for what you really want from a man, which is long-term commitment. Which do you really want? Forget about the competition (i.e., other women dressed like hookers) and start attracting a better quality man, a high-value man, into your life by the way you dress (modestly), act (civilly) and live your life (conservatively). Also, please stop posting another a** pic of your butt on Instagram and instead wear something more classy and modest. If the majority of women are giving men all this skin and physical attention (i.e., dressing, walking and strutting like hookers), what are men going to give you in return? Besides stare-downs, gawking, drooling gazes, and maybe some money (short-term). Certainly, they’re not giving you the respect, love and honor you were born to receive. So, instead, they look at you like hookers. Not all women, but open your eyes and tell me how many women you see today dressing and acting like hookers to get what they want. Tell me when you stop counting.

9. Ladies, looking for a high value man? Where is he and what does he really look like? A high value man has more than just money. In fact, he might not have a lot of money. Instead, he has skills (or is learning) to make a lot of money. He has drive, a vision, passion for life. What he has that you need, that money can’t buy, is respect for your body, your mind and your heart. A high-value man holds you in high-esteem and loves you. That, money can’t buy. So, don’t look for a man with just money. That kind of man has choices and you might not be one of his if he looks at you and you don’t fit what he’s looking for. Instead, look for a man who loves you, wants to be with you, will stand beside you, carry you to the bedroom, a man who will romance you, and a man who will give you what you want (i.e., a family, memories, happy times, warm nights in his arms, and whatever else you want out of a man) besides his pocket book.

10. Ladies, what do men want? Here it is, in case you didn’t know: Men don't want a woman who expects him to pay all the time. Men fear being exploited for financial gain and for good reason. Men want women to at least try. Men do want to be in a relationship with a woman, but they are frustrated with women today. Successful men look for a woman who wants to join his team. Today, many women want a man to marry, but don't exhibit wife-like qualities. Women need to know, there are some kinds of women men don't want anything to do with. Women have to bring value to a man’s life or else, she will not be in it. Men love intelligence. They want a woman who has an opinion of her own. Men like a woman who can look down the road into the future. Men like a woman who is a part of the decision-making in a relationship. Men desire communication as much as women do. They want someone who is clear and concise with their words. They want to be aware of what’s going inside your mind. The present-day unwritten dating rules, regulations and norms when interacting with women are too confusing for men. So many women have set unrealistic standards.

11. Ladies, men are leaving several plantations. Men are dropping out of college, society, the workplace and going it alone … and they love it! Ladies, your competition includes his friends, his alone time, video games, his projects, porn, escorts, hookers, sex robots, other women who engage in the hookup culture, as well as women in other countries.

12. Body count: men want exclusivity with you. Men don’t want to share their money or your body and photos in front of everyone. You've got to up your game and become exactly what a man wants if you want a man. Stop belittling men, putting men down, and saying horrible things about men. Are you perfect? No. Is he perfect? No.

13. Ladies, if you are in a situationship where a man has not declared you as his #1, then you can be dropped at any moment. Only be in a situation where you are #1 with him. Remember, sexual activity does not equal a relationship.

14. Grass is greener? Be wary of leaving a good thing when you've got it. See that better mountain top view? You gotta climb a whole new mountain all over again. Better stay where you’re at and spend that energy improving where you are and with whom you’re with.

15. People are on different levels in life. Don’t rush into anything. You have to find out where the other person is at first to see if he/she can run with you or even wants to. Taking things slow guarantees you won’t … push

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WOULD YOU LIKE TO:

BOOK EXCERPT #18

Dating Rules, Approaches, Scenarios, Ideas, Sample Scripts, Questions, Flirting Tips, Role Playing, Conversations & Comebacks To Use

(Take in all this HOT info and implement it with surgical precision!)

Excerpted from Bart's book:
Where Are You? & Where Art Thou?
© 2024 by Bart Smith
Reprinted by permission.

This is a great section. Read each one carefully, take mental notes, role play with someone if you like and get this stuff down so your dating experiences can be as fruitful and safe as you want.

ARE THERE ACTUAL “DATING RULES?” YOU BET!
(These are my dating rules! So, you know, they gotta be good!)

RULE #1: D.G.A.-T.M.I.-A.Y.T.S., which stands for: Don’t Give Away TOO MUCH INFORMATION About Yourself TOO SOON! I just wanted to get this part out of the way first and foremost. It will serve as the foundation for your protection and security going forward with all the strangers you’re going to meet. Granted, I’m sure you know this, but it deserves added emphasis up front to be sure. Let’s be honest, you have no idea who you’re meeting. I said it earlier and I’ll say it again, “Trust no one! Suspect everyone!”

The reality is, only share what this new person needs to know. Don’t be in a hurry to spill the beans or give away the farm as to who you are, what you do, what you have/own, how rich/poor you are, etc. No way. All that information in the wrong hands (too early) can lead to all kinds of unwanted distractions or other B.S. down the line. Remember that dating term “haunted?” That’s what we’re talking about. Okay, ‘nuff of that kind of “protection” talk. You got the message. Now, let’s get to the stages of the first date, shall we? Time to get out there and meet someone!

RULE #2: Try to follow these recommended stages for meeting someone for the first time. Don’t rush into anything. Take your time. Observe, ask, listen and learn about this person you’re sitting across the table from.

1. REQUEST A ZOOM CALL OR TWO OR THREE WHEN YOU MEET SOMEONE you’d like to get to know! Zoom calls are great for this, even if you met someone in person and you want to visit with them again out and about. Instead, choose to do a Zoom call. Preferably, at night when you’re relaxed and can enjoy an evening talking to someone you just met. I say this because you can be in your safe environment at home, sipping away on whatever you want to drink, dressed however you want to dress, and you can be at your desk, on your bed, on the couch, at the kitchen table, on the floor, etc. What’s great about 1-on-1 Zoom calls is there’s no time limit. I was on a Zoom call once with a woman for, get this, 12 HOURS! Yep! We started at 9:00 P.M. and finished our Zoom call at 9:00 A.M. sharp! It was a record for both of us. Needless to say, we learned a lot about each other in all that time and it was quite fun too. We laughed, we flirted, we joked, we told stories, we shared, we pretended to pour each other a glass of whatever we were drinking … overall, it was just a great conversation from start to finish. You can’t really do that at a restaurant or other public establishment. They usually close at 10:00 P.M. or they want you outta there so they can free up your table for the next customer. Plus, there’s so much distraction and noise in some places. Let alone zero privacy for your personal conversation. With a Zoom call, you can really get to know someone quickly before you make that first real in-person date/visit. You also don’t have to give out your phone number. Just an eMail address or mobile number, which you can block if they turn out to be wacko. What’s more, when you do finally meet for the first time, the meeting is much more than just an initial meeting. You already know so much about each other. That makes your first in-person meeting that much more special. It’s as if you’ve known this person for a long time. Further, you can pick up cues about how this person lives and what their place is like. Is it messy? Is it kept up? Is it awesome looking? Do they have pets, kids or roommates? You name it! You can learn a lot about a person without even asking by simply Zooming with them at first. Now, if you can Zoom? Great. If not, that’s fine too. Just, see if you can squeeze it in up front. It’s just one solid way to collect a lot of information about someone before committing to getting all dressed up, spending a lot of money on who knows who this person is, spending time away from the safety and comfort of your own home … you get the idea! ZOOM, BABY, ZOOM for your first communication! Oh, if you wanted to hide your background, activate Zoom’s green screen feature and plop your favorite background image and no one can see that you’re Zooming from your messy bedroom.

2. WHEN YOU DO DECIDE TO MEET IN PERSON, meet for coffee, tea, a hot chocolate or water at your favorite restaurant. This way, you’re both not obligated to buy an expensive meal or stay there for an hour or two with someone you’re just not vibing with. If you feel that first meeting isn’t going well, you can take your drink with you as you sprint out the door in a hurry! On the other hand, if that coffee meeting goes well, and you’re both growing hungry, then what a great way to extend your visit by asking, “I’m getting hungry. What about you? You want to get a bite to eat?” Wherever you go, remember your diet. Order something light, even just an appetizer and that’s it. Okay sure, order that delish salmon salad. Go ahead and splurge! Actually, just don’t gorge yourself and eat like a pig. I’m sure you won’t. I just had to toss that in there.

3. “READY TO ORDER?” She goes first, he goes last. Gracefully, get this part out of the way. You might offer to make a suggestion (“Should we get an appetizer?”) or ask what they’re having and you might order the same. (“I think I’ll have what you’re having. That sounds good!”)

4. TALK TIME: WHATEVER YOU DO, KEEP THE CONVERSATION FOCUSED ON THEM. Don’t YOU talk up a storm about all your accomplishments. Uh, no. Remain a tad elusive, a mystery, someone worth getting to know. Ask about their day and listen. DON’T INTERRUPT (DI). Ask about what they’re looking for in an ideal mate. (DI) Ask questions that seem to show you’re interested in them. (“Tell me more about that …”) Sure, chime in with a few short stories related to a topic they brought up. Keep them short and make them laugh. When it comes to you sharing who you are, a great question to ask the other person is, “So, what would you like to know about me?”) This gets the other person feeling comfortable asking you questions. Perhaps they’re dying to know something specific about you and you just gave them the green light to ask. You can even help them win or disqualify themselves (in your book) by allowing them to ask all kinds of questions. (You: “Go ahead, ask me anything! Nothing’s off the table!” Which is a lie, because you can always fib or give an excuse as to why you won’t answer a specific question. I’ve had a lot of women ask me how much money I make. Instead of giving away the farm and too much information too soon, I’ll joke with them. “Now, I can’t tell you that kind of information unless we’re married!” They laugh and get the hint. I do respond with, “Well, I make enough money so I don’t need a full-time job and it’s been that way for centuries!” THAT hints to them that I’m financially self-sufficient, which is all they need to know. Hey, you’re free to dance around certain questions you’re not comfortable answering, yet do so with creativity and humor in your response. Further, when they ask you very personal questions, you’ve got the right to ask them the same question in quick return. “So, what about you? Do you ________?” That gets the conversation stirred up in a fun, learning sort of fashion. Above all, just do more listening than talking, asking (more) questions than talking about yourself, etc. All that leaves a great impression on the other person when they go home and think to themselves, “Wow, I had a nice conversation with him/her. They didn’t talk too much about themselves. They didn’t interrupt me when I was talking? They were polite, spoke well, treated the staff really nicely … I’d like to see him/her again. I’d like to learn more about them. I think we need another date!”

5. KEEP YOUR FIRST FEW DATES DURING THE DAY. Can you? It’s best. During the day, you can be out and about if it’s sunny. You can do lunch or coffee. You can go hiking, which you can’t do at night. You can just do a lot of things during the day and best of all? You won’t feel the pressure to want to go home with them because it’s still quite early in the day. If your date was at night, after a meal, after drinking at the bar, one (or both of you) might start to get tired and feel inclined to ask if you can sleep over at the other‘s place that night. Been there, done that. Uh, no. I’ve heard women ask men, “Can I just come over and we cuddle?” I’ve also heard women be up front and ask me to sleep with them because it was closer to bed time, versus just meeting them during the day and bedtime was far off in the distance. You get the picture. Date during the day at first.

6. SECOND, THIRD AND FOURTH DATES ARE GREAT FOR ACTIVITIES, which I’ll recommend a few later on in this section. If you’re ready to go on your second, third or fourth date, GET ACTIVE and do something together like couples do. Go to the museum or outdoor art festival, go hiking with a group (e.g., never alone on the first few dates), go hit some golf balls or putt-putt golf, walk around downtown where you live and check out all the shops and restaurants, etc. Do something active! Get on your feet and off your butts, backs or sides (i.e., laying down watching a movie, which only leads to !@#$%^&* = you know what, right?). HAHA

7. FOLLOW UP EACH DATE WITH A PHONE CALL, TEXT AND/OR A NEW ZOOM CALL! Solidify that good time you just had that day with a quick communication if just to say, “I had a great time with you today. What shall we do next?” The more you can turn the other person’s attention away from looking elsewhere (for a new dating prospect) the better. Turn their attention inward by keeping the communication going. NOW, DON’T “LOVE BOMB” them or send too many texts or call them too many times. No one likes this. Just 1-3 sentences or so via text or a quick call to share your thoughts about the great day you had is all that’s needed. PLUS, you (both) want to remain approachable in the sense that you’re not pushing the other person away with your constant texting, but rather leaving room for the other person to chime in, chase you down, communicate with you right back. Dating and mating is a dance in which no dancing partner should be too overbearing or smothering in their communications with you. Instead, each person plays their equal role in sharing this new dance at getting to know someone.

8. DON’T DO THINGS THAT ARE UNINVITING, BOTHERSOME, A NUISANCE, TROUBLING, INVASIVE, SCARY, CREEPY OR WEIRD. I’m sure with all that new excitement and relationship energy brewing with you that you’d want to surprise the other person by showing up at their house unexpectedly, without an invitation and without notice. Uh, no. Don’t do anything of the sort. Keep your distance. Go when you’re invited. Do when you’re asked. In all, be smart, be wise, be respectful, take it slow, let things progress naturally between you both. DON’T RUSH THINGS. I’ve only seen bad news happen when you do. DON’T BLOW A GOOD THING when you’ve got it! Watch your mouth, don’t say things you shouldn’t be saying. Keep this in mind, until you are in a relationship, you’re just acquaintances.

9. IS IT TIME TO GET SERIOUS? IS IT TIME TO D.T.R.? … How many dates have you been on so far? How many phone calls, Zoom calls, texts and other forms of communication have you experienced with this new potential love of your life? Maybe it’s time to DEFINE THE RELATIONSHIP! When you do, no one’s obligated to get married or share financial records or move into the other person’s home. Yikes, that’s nuts! Instead, here’s how you might pop the question, “So, how do you like hanging out together? (PAUSE AND LISTEN TO THEIR RESPONSE.) I really like you and I like … (PAUSE) … US! I’d like you to know, I’m willing to turn off my online dating profile, not see, date, call or talk to any other dating prospects while I’m seeing you if I knew you wanted the same as me. What do you think about that?” (LISTEN FOR THEIR RESPONSE AND THEN NUDGE THEM TO TELL YOU MORE.) “… and what else do you like about little ol’ me and us hanging out together?” (PAUSE, LISTEN AND RESPOND SIMPLY.) “So, if you like hanging out with me and I like hanging out with you, then I think we should … what should we do? Go steady? I’d like to see where this goes with you and I. I think we might have something. How’s that sound to you?” If their response resembles anything close to, “I’d like that too,” then smile, look into each other's eyes and seal the deal with a kiss.

10. FROM HERE, LET NATURE & THE UNIVERSE TELL YOU BOTH WHAT’S NEXT AND WHEN IT'S RIGHT TO GET EVEN CLOSER! "Wow, are you feeling what I'm feeling? It's time then, isn't it?" It’s not ONE PERSON after his/her own desires/urges, but a duo team coming together as one.

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BOOK EXCERPT #19

Top 10 Rules For Meeting Someone On The First Date!

Excerpted from Bart's book:
Where Are You? & Where Art Thou?
© 2024 by Bart Smith
Reprinted by permission.

Before I give you 35 great date ideas, I’d like to go over the rules for the first date. I remember when I whipped these up while at dinner with a female friend of mine. We were talking about first dates and I said, ‘Don’t you know the rules for meeting someone on the first date?” She said, “No,” and I said, “Well, get ready; here they are!”

1. Hush up or in some rare cases speak up. Too many people nervously ramble on and on foaming at the mouth with nonsense. The other person, new to meeting you, can’t get a word in edgewise because you’re doing all the talking. Let someone else share in the conversation.

2. Relax. There’s no reason to be nervous. The person you’re with is really excited to meet you. Enjoy meeting them too!

3. Be patient. Good things come to those who wait. Don’t rush things. Let things flow naturally.

4. Ask questions. Find out about the other person. Ask them to tell you about their favorite topic: THEMSELVES! This will give you the opportunity to learn about this person. Do you want to continue seeing this person? They’ll let you know by what they say, how they say it, etc. If you’re doing all the talking, you’re not learning about the other person. And, if you don’t ask questions, you’re communicating to them that you don’t think whatever they might have to say is important.

5. Show Interest. With the proper eye contact, your attention should be on the person you’re with and not the waiter or the people sitting over in the corner or the people walking across the street.

6. Encourage. Be positive. You don’t know what kind of day this person’s had. You certainly don’t know what’s been going on in his/her life. The person might be a single parent or recently divorced! Be positive about their life!

7. Let things unfold naturally. If it’s meant to be, it’s meant to be. You don’t have to do much, but show up and be YOU!

8. If it’s not for you, bow out gracefully. Don’t be rude. Use your best manners. Be polite, show respect and be sensitive. This person you’ve just met might really like you. Be kind in spirit. [Sex on the first date? Guys, if you have to ask for this, then there’s something wrong. Don’t. Just let it be. If it happens, when it happens, it will. Relax. Don’t ever bring it up, because 99% of the time, you’re gonna get shot down and for all the right reasons. Just don’t go there. What’s more, you don’t have a relationship yet. My own mother was verbally harassed sexually by a male friend whom she confronted and said, “We have a friendship, not a relationship.” Keep that in mind. Until you’re in a relationship, don’t ask for sex or talk in sexual tones. It’s just so unwanted.]

9. If things ARE going in the direction you want them to go, then proceed slowly. Again, good things come to those who wait. Enjoy the “getting to know you” process. Anticipation for “what’s next” is always more exciting than “let’s do it, right now.”

10. When I first came up with my Top 10 Rules For Meeting Someone On A First Date, I only came up with nine. So, I thought to make #10 go like this: “Always follow Rules 1 through 9.”

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BOOK EXCERPT #20

35 Dating Ideas For Two Love Birds

Excerpted from Bart's book:
Where Are You? & Where Art Thou?
© 2024 by Bart Smith
Reprinted by permission.

1. Make a list of all the FREE stuff, places and activities you can do together if you’re on a tight budget. Hang out together and together come up with a list of 50-100 things you can do. You can even refer to this list to help you get started!

2. Stage your own film festival and watch videos online all day/night/weekend. There’s Hulu, YouTube, NetFlix, Vimeo, Vube and Twitch. Look for funny videos, documentaries, music videos (past/present), popular movies and more. Turn your home into a small movie theater.

3. Check out the stars at night by taking a walk, hang out on your patio or roof top, or drop a blanket down in the backyard, park or beach and see who sees the first shooting start! First one who does gets ten kisses or you decide the rewards.

4. Are there any games you can play together? They can be board games or outdoor games that require a little touch and gentle tackle.

5. Gather up the supplies needed to have a picnic somewhere on your work lunch breaks or on the weekend at a local park, campsite, backyard, living room, etc. You might pack a blanket if it’s cold or you just need to cover up for, well, if you two want to ... uh, okay, you know!

6. Do you have the place to yourselves? How about strip darts, chess, checkers, or poker? Find a game in the house and make up your own rules for the winner and loser. When you’re together you’re both winners.

7. Hit a local diner and experience a step back in time and then share your favorite dessert.

8. Give each other full-body massages or go to a spa nearby or across town.

9. See movies she likes, then movies he likes. Have dinner at a different restaurant for each movie. Take turns choosing.

10. Find a book you can both share and alternate reading a different chapter to each other.

11. Volunteer together. Find a charity you both support and spend time serving those charities together.

12. Walk, run, hike, swim, surf, bike, boat, ski, ice skate, snowboard, go horseback riding, rock climbing; get outdoors. Or, do something athletic indoors; go bowling, roller-skating.

13. Work on a craft or project together. That’s fun!

14. Take a drive into the country together. Get away from city life and experience nature.

15. Go on a scavenger hunt and make up prizes to reward each other for winning and getting close!

16. Watch the sunrise and/or sunset from a rooftop, mountain top, hill top, the beach, the water, try boating, etc.

17. Take a class together. How about learning a second language together? Maybe something that can help you both earn more money, improve a work skill or work towards a (new) degree?

18. Make dessert for dinner one night. This involves skipping dinner and having something sweet for your main meal. For example, imagine having your favorite pie and ice cream for dinner or making homemade chocolate chip cookies.

19. Play a game of miniature golf or go to the driving range and hit a few balls together. Try the batting cage if you’re up to it.

20. How about a game of billiards or table soccer/hockey?

21. Go to a football, baseball, hockey or basketball game. How about a horse race? Place your bet.

22. Go to a go-kart speedway and have a blast driving cars around the track.

23. Ever been wine-tasting? Try it together. Try sampling different beers if you prefer.

24. Find a fair, circus, carnival, or theme festival. Prepare to have lots of fun. Check out holiday lights and decorations with some gourmet hot chocolate.

25. Truth or dare anyone? Jeopardy? Twister?

26. Go dancing at the popular clubs until you find the perfect place for the two of you to kick up your heels or enjoy romantic slow dances. Don’t know how to dance? Take dancing lessons together. Start with salsa, then move to other styles. Dance as if no one is watching. As long as you’re both having fun and not stepping on each other's toes, you’ll be just fine.

27. Check out local museums, the aquarium, attend a gallery opening, walk the halls of your local library and make out like old times, check out art studios, exhibits, botanical gardens, etc.

28. Take a train ride somewhere for the day/weekend. Hop on a plane and take a short trip. Go for a local boat ride.

29. Visit local antique shops, pawn stores, malls, garage sales and buy something unique as a remembrance. “Here honey, here’s a $5 tire I bought for us! I’m going to hand paint our names on it and hang it over the fireplace! No? Then, how about ...” Have fun!

30. Cook together. Make a pizza, roll sushi, make pasta or another dish together. Then, share in cleaning up the mess, tomorrow!

31. See a live concert, local band, solo artist night, poetry reading, stand-up comedy show, karaoke, or a play, opera or musical.

32. Check out a ghost tour or haunted house/castle.

33. Extend date nights to breakfast in bed. Take turns cooking and serving each other. The same goes for dinner in bed. Hey, why not? Sounds like the place to be!

34. Explore a new area you’ve never been to. It could be right in your hometown, local city, downtown, instate or across state lines.

35. Take a long, nature walk where you know its safe and you can get back to your car. Make sure you have fully-charged phones with you. Turn one off for future use and keep the other one in low use mode to save battery power in case of an emergency.

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BOOK EXCERPT #21

“Flirting” & How To Do It Right!

Excerpted from Bart's book:
Where Are You? & Where Art Thou?
© 2024 by Bart Smith
Reprinted by permission.

Let’s keep it simple, shall we? Here’s how it should all go down:

Guys: Flirt with your eyes, your posture and your words, as in, your sense of humor. Make her laugh. Move in, but not too much.

Gals: When you like a guy, move in and do your flirting magic, but don’t overdo it. Allow him some room to show signs he likes you too.

Guys: When she moves in, still, take things slow. Let her come to you more. When she feels safe(r) to move in, she’s letting you know she likes you. Let her continue her journey towards you. Watch her moves, listen to her language, watch her facial expressions. It’s fun and entertaining, to say the least, but everything she does and says are signs she’s into you.

Gals: Keep on showing him you’re interested. Talk, play with your hair, bite your lip, stare into his eyes as you carry on your conversation, touch his arm or hand, find something on him you can remove/care for/straighten (i.e., “Here, you’ve got something on your lip. Let me get that for you.”)

Guys/Gals: You can take it from here. Take things slow, let biology and chemistry lead the way. If or when the moment arises and you both want to jump each other (HAHA), still take things slow.

Flirt in a way that’s fun, humorous, no (to light) touching, keep your distance, use words to flirt, flirt with their eyes and your minds (the sexiest organs of the body), don’t make any sudden moves, let nature take its course. BE PATIENT. It’s more fun that way and there’s more to remember when you look back on how you both met.

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BOOK EXCERPT #22

Safe Dating Tips For Both Men & Women

(You can never be too careful in today’s crazy dating age!)

Excerpted from Bart's book:
Where Are You? & Where Art Thou?
© 2024 by Bart Smith
Reprinted by permission.

“SAFE DATING TIPS” FOR GUYS

1. For the first few dates, do everything in public as much as you can. Always be near witnesses in case something goes awry and you’re falsely accused of ________. It’s just the reality we live in today. You don’t know the woman you’re about to meet for the first time and even if you know her, per se, be careful. You don’t know how triggered she might be if you say or do the wrong thing (in her mind) and yet it wasn’t meant to be interpreted in the way she did. Ladies, if this type of woman is not you, fabulous! Just know, men get falsely accused all the time and it ruins them. Guilty before proven innocent. Not good; not fair.

2. Don’t drink too much (alcohol) and help her not to drink too much either. I met a woman at an outdoor beach-side bar once who came on to me several times with her lips. She was drunk out of her mind but found me attractive enough to kidnap my mouth for her pleasure in PUBLIC. I wasn’t drunk at all and decided to only drink water going forward. This helped her sober up too so we could decide what she/we wanted to do next. I just met her and was darn sure I wasn’t going to spend any time with her when she was toasted beyond comprehension. The more she sobered up, the greater our conversations went and the night as well.

3. Guys, don’t go over to her house for a first date. IF you do, don’t have sex with her. Decline her advances if she’s making them. I’ve been in this situation a few times. Set the tone that you respect her and want to earn her respect by saying, “Hey, I love sex too, but let’s wait. It’s better that we do. It’ll make our first time more meaningful. Don’t you agree?” If she makes early sexual advances onto you, be weary. Any woman who does that might have ulterior motives in her head. What are they? You probably don’t want to find out.

4. Observe her closely with your eyes and ears. What type of woman are you meeting? Make mental note of the things she says and does that you deem inappropriate. If you must, bring them up. Otherwise, comment about them in a way that lets her know you heard what she said or observed what she did.

5. Watch your own language and actions as well. Don’t you be talking up sex too early and telling a women you’re owed some cooch for buying dinner or having talked to her more than once. I have a female friend who’s hit up all the time by men who think they can get into her _____ when she just gives them the time of day. Uh, no. It doesn’t go that way. I think what she’s observing is all the men she’s running into act foolish and out of line. Whereas, every interaction with me has been fun, entertaining and devoid of anything rude, crude or sexual in nature. I do find her attractive, yes, but that’s just not how I roll. I take my time and get to know a woman first. For me, it’s the only way.

6. Be up front with your intentions, if all you do want is sex, tell her. Let her decide what she wants. If you want more, tell her that too.

7. NEVER leave any private property of yourself behind if you have to excuse yourself to go to the restroom, for example. The gal might say, “I’ll watch it for you.” While that sounds kind, you tell her, “It’s not you I don’t trust, it’s someone who’s watching me leave for the restroom who might distract you and his buddy will then take my briefcase. Uh, no.” This literally happened to me and that was my response.

8. Again, in the early stages of dating, it’s best to take things slow. Can you see the benefits?

9. Above all, COMMUNICATE what’s on your mind and things should go pretty well for the both of you.

“SAFE DATING TIPS” FOR GALS

1. Always tell a friend where you’re going if you plan on meeting someone for the first time or the second or even the third! (a) Call/text them before you get out of your car to walk into the establishment where you’re meeting your date. (b) Then, call/text your friend again when you get back to your car that you’re safe and okay or NOT!!!

2. Don’t ever let your first date guy pick you up at your house or workplace. Don’t give out your home address for quite some time. Get to know this guy. Who is he? A lover or a loser? If he insists on picking you up, dodge his request with a clever line. “Oh, you don’t have to pick me up. I have some other things I have to do first. I’ll meet you at the restaurant at 2:00 P.M.”

3. Don’t YOU drink too much. You know where this can lead to, so I won’t go too much into it. One drink per hour, okay?

4. NEVER leave your purse behind or any private property if you have to excuse yourself to go to the restroom, for example. I’ve seen women do this. Granted, if I know the woman, they trust me to protect her purse. BUT, if you’re meeting someone new, even if you’re on a second date, remember my motto, “trust no one, suspect everyone!” You can imagine, leaving behind your purse and while you’re in the restroom, he’s rummaging through it, opening your wallet, checking out what credit cards you have, any cash on hand, he might even take a picture of your driver’s license. NOT GOOD. This doesn’t happen to men so much, because they carry a wallet in their pocket. So, I’m just giving you this heads up, okay?

5. Know where the exit doors are or sit near them in case you have to make a fast dash away from some weird dude you just met for the first time. One gal I heard couldn’t get out the door she came in and had to get help from the restaurant staff to be escorted through the kitchen out the back door into the alley to get away from her rotten date.

6. Have your own transportation to and from your first, second and third dates in case the date doesn’t go well.

7. Don’t be too overly flirtatious on the first date or the next. Stay modest, feminine, but conservative. Oh, and don’t wear anything too provocative. Keep the mystery alive and cover up!

8. For what it’s worth, don’t date just to fill a void in your single life. You can, but don’t. Date seriously with the intentions of marrying someone. Don’t let your emotions and loneliness drive you to dating the wrong guy for the right reasons. Hold out for a better guy. Think long-term. That bad dude you find so exciting is only going to break your heart, leave you pregnant and miserable for the rest of your life. Don’t do it!

9. Be up front with your intentions! If you want a relationship first (and not just sex) tell him. Let him decide if he wants to go further. Weed out the users and losers to make room for winners and real gentlemen to enter your life. There are good men out there who also want a relationship with a gal and not just sex only. Many men want to marry, start a family, have kids and some don’t.

10. Again, in the early stages of dating, it’s best to take things slow. If he can’t, and you recognize that, then you might have to let him go.

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BOOK EXCERPT #23

Fun, Easy Questions To Ask

These questions are not in any order and see if you can deduce the answers to them without asking these questions out right. You might phrase these questions into statements used in a conversation or answer these questions yourself and then turn it around and say, “What about you? What/who/when/how ____?”

1. What are some of your favorite foods? Do you like to cook? If so what are some of your favorite dishes you like to cook? Favorite dessert, ice cream, beverage, and/or (non)-alcoholic drink?

2. What do you like to eat for breakfast? Lunch? Dinner?

3. What’s the last movie you saw? What is your favorite movie? Favorite TV show(s)?

4. Favorite place to vacation even if you’ve never been there?

5. What would you do if you won $1,000,000?

6. What do you like best about yourself?

7. What’s one thing you would like to change about yourself or work on?

8. Top three favorite movie genres: Action, comedy, drama, horror, science fiction or romantic comedy?

9. Where would you go if you could go anywhere in the world?

10. What is something you wish more people knew about you or don’t know that you’re good at?

11. What is the most meaningful thing someone ever said to you?

12. Cats, dogs, other or no pets?

13. Are you into any sports? Do you like going to see live games?

14. Do you work out? Strength workout or cardio or?

15. Favorite concert and/or music artists you love to listen to?

16. What personality tests have you taken and do you agree with the results?

17. If you could go back in time and do something differently or change something about your life, what would you change?

18. What’s on your bucket list to do as soon as you can?

19. What amazing adventures have you been on or places or countries have you been to? Where have you traveled?

20. Are you a morning person or a night owl? Sleep in or rise early?

21. How many siblings do you have? Where do your parents live? Do you visit them often?

22. What are you always game for?

23. What do you do to unwind?

24. Where do you prefer to live? North, south, east or west in your town, state and/or country? Any favorite city or region?

25. Do you prefer to work with others or alone? Do you prefer to work a 9-to-5 job or do freelance work and be self-employed?

26. Do you invest and if so what in? Got any recommendations? Would you like to learn how to invest if you don’t know how?

27. How techie are you? Mac or PC?

28. Ever been sick? Hospitalized?

29. Religious, spiritual, neither? Go to church? Yes, no, when?

30. What do you think about what’s going on today in politics? Do you lean left, right, center, liberal, conservative?

31. Ever been to jail? Tell me about it …

32. Do you have any random questions to ask me?

These are some great questions, eh? Again, you don’t have to ask them directly. We just want to find out some of this information either openly or by listening if they volunteer such information, which I prefer.

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BOOK EXCERPT #24

Relationship Questions To Ask

Whether the answers come up in conversation, observation or by asking them directly, we want to find out:

1. Do they have any kids? How old are they? Do they still live in the house? Do they want kids? How do they feel about kids?

2. Are they looking for a (long-term) committed relationship or something else?

3. Have they ever been married? How many times? Happy marriages or??? Divorced? How many times? How long ago?

4. When was their last long-term relationship? What did they enjoy, like or dislike in that relationship? Why did it end, “if I may ask ...” Why are you single, “if I may ask …”

5. Are they seeing other people? Do they believe in that or do they lean more on the exclusive side when seeing someone?

6. Do they have any regrets from past relationships? Anything learned?

7. How have they been treated by others (i.e., good, bad, horrible) who they were involved with or pursued by? Hurts? Wounds? Trauma? Turn-offs? Got any stories?

8. Tell me something you really liked in one of your past relationships?

9. Tell me something you didn’t like that you want to avoid in your next relationship?

10. Have you ever read a romance novel? What fantasies do you have for the perfect relationship?

11. What do you like about being single? What do you NOT like about being single?

12. Do you have any random (relationship) questions to ask me?

Again, these are some great questions. Again, you don’t have to ask them directly. We just want to find out some of these answers either openly or by listening if they volunteer such information, which I personally prefer.

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BOOK EXCERPT #25

101+ Relationship Deal Breakers, Non-Negotiables, Bendables & Flexibles

What parameters (i.e., deal breakers) do you look for in your potential mate that would make you wanna ESCAPE stage left FAST when things aren’t going the way you want? Well, when it comes to deal breakers, non-negotiables, bendables and flexibles, everyone has their own set of ideal values, personality traits, habits, pet peeves, likes/dislikes and characteristics (in the other person) they’re either willing to put up with or ABSOLUTELY NOT! Having said that, let’s get this out in the open: “EVERYONE is entitled to reject ANYONE they don’t seem to find a fit for them and for whatever reason!” Just accept it, because you too will want to use that same “you’re not for me” card when or if the time comes and you have to tell someone, “Yeah, it’s just not going to work out! I really do want to wish you the best!” Your response, and theirs, should be a loud and celebrated, “GREAT! Thanks for telling me early on so I can make room for the ONE who does want me and is BEST suited to be the ONE for me!” Right? Absolutely!

Dating and finding the ONE for you is truly an open market of buyers and sellers of hearts, minds, bodies, accumulated resources, and future shared lifetime experiences. Not everyone is for everyone. Deal-breakers are just par for the course. With so many crazies, liars, cheats and self-serving individuals out there to filter through (so you can get to the really good folks; i.e., those diamond hearts in the rough), it’s vital we embrace these particular thoughts when it comes to deal-breakers, non-negotiables, bendables and flexible terms and conditions we all should follow when looking for the ONE for us:

1. Abusive in any way, shape or form ...

2. Always have to be right …

3. Argumentative, fights early on and often ...

4. Arrogant, conceited, condescending, inconsiderate, stuck up, ...

5. Asks for tiny details when you've been anywhere without them …

6. Bad breath, body odor ...

7. Bad guest at someone else’s house (i.e., yours) …

8. Bad kisser, no kisser …

9. Bad table manners …

10. Being rude and insensitive to anyone ...

11. Being too critical in any form ...

12. Body shaming, commenting negatively about one’s body …

13. Bombarding with texts, calls, messages, etc. …

14. Boring! Lacks creativity or zest for life, no adventure …

15. Broken, needs fixing, mental help ...

16. Checking your phone constantly …

17. Complains about anything, everything and everyone …

18. Confesses their love for you after a few hours, a first kiss or first night in bed together …

19. Critical, criticizes practically everything …

20. Dating other people ...

21. Depressed, depressing ...

22. Different goals ...

23. Dirty, a mess, messy, disgusting in any way …

24. Dishonesty, hiding something, ...

25. Disrespectful in any way ...

26. Doesn’t make you a “healthy” priority in their life …

27. Doesn’t let you have time to yourself; is always around …

28. Don't have the same values/morals ...

29. Drama of any kind ...

30. Drunk, drinks alone, drinks too much and too often ...

31. Eats too much, eats junk food ...

32. Engages in any form of criminal behavior …

33. Entitled behavior …

34. Excessive chest or back hair ...

35. Excessive drug use or partying ...

36. Excessive swearing, poor language skills ...

37. Excessively vain, fake this/that, too much plastic surgery ...

38. Family conflicts, crazy family members, nosy family ...

39. Financially irresponsible / illiterate; doesn’t pay their bills ...

40. Gross manners in every way and across the board ...

41. Hasn't gotten over their ex, still wants him/her ...

42. Having sex with other people openly or secretively ...

43. High maintenance in every way ...

44. If they have toxic, crazy, loud, nosy friends …

45. In debt, has quite a bit of debt ($10,000+) ...

46. Incapable of partnership, can't lean on one another ...

47. Incompatible politics (to some degree) ...

48. Indecisive, should be able to share in making decisions ...

49. Infidelity on any level and with anyone ...

50. Interrupts others while they’re talking …

51. Incessant talker, finishes other people’s sentences …

52. Keeps you waiting ...

53. Know-it-all ALL the time ...

54. Lack of humor or positive attitude ...

55. Lacks passion in life and in the bedroom ...

56. Lies, hides the truth, talks behind people’s backs ...

57. Listens to trashy, disrespectful, crap music …

58. Lives too far away, long distance relationship …

59. Lives in the past too much and not in the present …

60. Makes (sexual) demands too quickly in the relationship …

61. Medicine cabinet; if I see a lot of medications, drugs …

62. Messy, dirty, disgusting kitchen, fridge, food areas, …

63. Negative attitude, language, outlook on life ...

64. Needing to document everything all the time …

65. No real vision for a future together ...

66. No attempt to get along with my friends or family …

67. Not a critical thinker (i.e., low IQ) …

68. Not calling or communicating enough ...

69. Not clean, dirty, bad hygiene ...

70. Not giving enough space ...

71. Not on the same page about (a lot of stuff) ...

72. Not showing enough interest in you ...

73. Obsessed with money, extreme materialism ...

74. Obsessed with their phone, texting, social media, etc. …

75. Overbearing; bossy or controlling ...

76. Overweight; doesn’t keep in shape at all ...

77. Personally messy, unorganized, dirty, a slob ...

78. Picky, finicky, nit-picker, perfectionist ...

79. Political to an extreme; a Democrat, Progressive, liberal ...

80. Poor communicator, can't express themselves ...

81. Poor grammar (written or spoken) ...

82. Poor health habits ...

83. Poor hygiene, bad breath …

84. Quick to anger, argumentative ...

85. Rushes into anything too fast for selfish reasons ...

86. Selfie-addicted, narcissists, all about them ...

87. Sex, and asking for it, too often and/or too early and having no interest in a potential relationship, friendship or more …

88. Sexual irresponsibility that generates unwanted, runaway, out-of-control financial and parental obligations ...

89. Selfish, self-serving, self-centered ...

90. Smoking/vaping (anything) ...

91. Snorer, bad sleeping habits ...

92. Speeds, drives while drunk, disobeys traffic laws …

93. Substance abuse of any kind ...

94. Talks too much (or too little) ...

95. Talks ghetto, trashy, …

96. They cancel plans at the last minute ...

97. They think jealousy is important in a relationship …

98. Too clingy or possessive too quickly …

99. Too kinky, into weird sex, talks about sex far too much …

100. Too pushy, demanding, etc. ...

101. Unemployed, not working on finding work ...

102. Unique health/eating habits ...

103. Unresponsive, ghosting for too long ...

104. Vulgar, swears often, has no other vocabulary …

105. Want/loves kids or not ...

106. Wanting to borrow money (a lot; never pays back) ...

107. Wants/loves pets or doesn’t ...

108. Whiny, high-pitched, irritating voice to listen to …

109. Won't take "NO" for an answer or won’t say, “yes” ...

WOW, that’s some list, eh? I’m sure you can agree with a lot of these deal-breakers, but what’s missing from my list that you would add from your own experience? Add it! You’ve got your heart, mind, body, bank account and future to protect. Implement any one or more of these deal breakers when it comes to filtering out those who aren’t the one for you so you can find the one who is and fast! Remember, you owe nothing to no one when it comes to protecting all that you have (to protect) and have worked for all your life. If you have to exercise any one or more of these honest deal-breakers, remember to BOW OUT GRACEFULLY! That’s all I ask. You don’t have to make a big fuss. Just be as kind, sweet and professional as you can. You don’t have to tell them exactly why you’re breaking it off, per se, unless they ask or you feel the need to tell them. (i.e., “Yeah, uh, YOU SMELL!”)

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BOOK EXCERPT #26

Why Things Do & Don't Work Out & How To Handle Anything That Comes Your Way

(My thoughts about why couples stay together and don’t, and how both of you should handle breaking up if it comes to that.)

WHY THINGS “DON’T” WORK
OUT & HOW TO DEAL
WITH BREAK UPS

There are many reasons why things don’t work; I’m sure you can imagine. My answer to things not working is, “SO WHAT?” In some degree, you know the ol’ saying, “If it was meant to be, it would BE!” Live by that belief. It’s very helpful in navigating all the dating prospects you might go through to find THE ONE. If you applied your all, showed up with your best self, and still, things didn’t work out the way you had hoped, your attitude could be: “GREAT! I’m glad things didn’t work out because that opens the door for someone new and better suited for me to walk on through. Can you hurry up and move along? I might meet them later today!”

What’s more, if you were at a job you were at that wasn’t working out, would you care if you had to quit and look for a new job? Maybe it had great pay (or not), maybe you had your own office or it was close to home, but you just weren’t treated well at your work or you weren’t appreciated and the co-workers or the boss just gave you all kinds of ill treatment. You wouldn’t lose a wink of sleep leaving that job, would you? You know there’s a better job waiting for you out there! It’s the same with relationships. We only want to stay with the person that feeds us what we need. You know what you need and want in a relationship. Settle for no less. While we too are able to feed the other love in our life, if we’re not happy, we’re entitled to get outta there asap. If they commit any one of our deal-breakers, again, we’re outta there. Bye, see ya …

IF THEY BREAK UP WITH YOU

“YAY!” Again, they helped (#1) open up a new door for someone more suited (for you) to walk on through. Yeah, you had your heart set on being with this person, perhaps, and you put in a lot of time, energy, care, money, etc. Maybe, in the end, it just didn’t work out and you got shown the door as they broke up with you. Well, collect yourself, do any quick grieving or crying you might want to do for 24-48 hours and then … hold your head up high! There’s someone new out there just waiting to meet you! Out with the old/past relationship and in with the new and exciting relationship! What’s more?

WHAT DID YOU LEARN WHILE
YOU WERE IN THAT
PAST RELATIONSHIP?

Relationships and break ups are always an opportunity to reflect and look back on. What did you learn, gain, lose, win? How did the other person win, gain, lose, learn? What did you do that they liked/disliked? Can you walk with your heads held high and with a kind heart to wish the other person the best as you both walk off into the sunset to find someone new? What would you say and/or do differently next time when you meet someone new? Take inventory, conduct a personal audit on yourself, re-evaluate your strengths and weaknesses … Perhaps, take some time between getting involved in a new relationship to work on you for a bit. It never hurts. Maybe reevaluate the type of person you’ll go after? Maybe change up how you find them.

WHAT IF THINGS
“ARE” WORKING OUT?

1. Celebrate every moment! It could end at any moment! You never know what’s going to happen days, weeks, months later. So, count your blessings, enjoy your time together, grow, learn, do, experience and watch what happens. That’s all you can do.

2. Take things super slow. Savor every moment. What are you learning? What’s going right? Do you see any signs of trouble? Don’t rush into anything. Enjoy the process of getting to know someone. Savor that beverage. Don’t gulp it down in a hurry!

3. Be on guard 24/7. Watch for signs, clues and cues that this other person may or may not be the ONE for you. Watch your own moves, tongue and tempo. Are you causing the other person to think twice about jumping ship or keeping you around in their life as well?

4. EXPECT NOTHING, but watch time brings everything to you, such as, answers, signs, good times or bad and maybe the out you need to jump ship or plenty of reasons to stay.

5. DON’T GIVE UP on the chance the person you’re with could really be the ONE or at least someone worth spending quality time with for longer than it takes to finish that cup of coffee at that first date ‘n’ meet ‘n’ greet. People seem so triggered today: quick to judge, quick to see (only) the negative sides in everything and everyone, quick to tear others down (and not build them up), and quick to quit a potential good thing before they realize they should have stayed the course until it was too late to save what they destroyed with their own short-sightedness or lack of patience to really let the relationship get off the ground. So, before you think someone isn’t for you, per se, run through all those deal-breaker qualities a few pages back. Are they really committing any solid deal-breaking crimes? Why do you think you really have to abandon that relation-ship so fast? Do you really think the grass is greener on the other side and there’s a better catch waiting for you? Why does the other person want to break things up with you? Could you (both) consider giving each other more time to grow something out of nothing? What life goals for your relationship could you discuss, share and work on? At some point, you have to make the crazy decision to …, yes, stick with someone or … yes, jump ship!

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BOOK EXCERPT #27

Are You Close To Making A Commitment? Don’t Lose The ONE For You Because ...

1. He/she doesn’t live up to your fantasy driven standards or expectations. Nobody’s perfect and we all need someone else to help us grow, improve our lives, push us, be there for us in ways we can’t often be there for ourselves. There’s a reason why we come together as only 50% of the equation and not 100%. Together, we make 100%, not 150%. Get what I mean? Embrace that you still have work to do on yourself and you won’t let that (desire for perfectionism) stop you from falling in love and choosing someone. Choose someone, then, keep working on yourself. That’s how it’s done. Next.

2. Somehow, no matter how good this person is for you and to you, you still think the grass is green elsewhere and with someone else and there’s someone better out there for you. TIP: There’s ALWAYS someone else out there that’s better and ___. The thing to do is find someone who meets 80% of what you need and work on the remaining 20% together. In the time you’d spend searching again and again and again, you could have improved the relationship you’re in and made it into what you (both) wanted!

3. You don’t think you’re ready for that big step (i.e., long-term, committed relationship), and you just need a little more time to think about it all. Well, think fast, after a while, you’ll be left alone to think some more about it single and alone. Clearly, if you feel uncertain, yes, do wait. Otherwise, the other person doesn’t deserve to be benched or cookie-jarred. Right?

4. Things are going so well that you either doubt yourself or think this is too good to be true so you do something to sabotage your own successful love life. Accept your good fortune before you lose it or destroy it.

5. You can’t shake the pain of a past breakup so you lack confidence to invest in someone new even though he/she is a breath of fresh air and so good for you. Everyone, including you (or the other person) deserves a second chance. Always!

6. You’re too consumed with being perfect for someone, that you never let yourself get snatched up by someone who can really help complete you to become that ideal couple in love.

7. You’ve got cold feet. That’s normal. Just warm those tootsies and take the plunge provided you are confident it’s time for you to take that love plunge into someone’s heart world.

8. You want someone to fix you (and your problems) to the extent you push them away because that’s your job (to fix you, or seek help) not theirs. The other person who comes into your life should only be responsible for adding to who you are, not bringing you up from zero to somebody. Besides, your job is to add to this/her life, not subtract from their time, money or energy. Granted, love does see people through. If you love each other, perhaps you can work things out, but you know what I mean here.

9. Commitment is scary for most people. Share your fears and feelings with that special person in your love life and allow them to reassure you everything’s going to be okay so you can take that next step forward in your relationship.

10. You think you might be making a bad decision to commit or marry. Maybe it is; maybe it’s an illusion and you’re now starting to see things more clearly. Weigh the pros and cons of staying (or going) and see what results you generate. Are your reasons for leaving or going ahead with this relationship valid? Usually you’re never as trapped as much as you think you are, that is, unless you go through it and three years later decide to end a marriage because you just aren’t happy with the other person’s behavior, treatment or lack of investment in your relationship now that you two got married. If things aren’t going perfectly while you’re dating and you see small signs with no change, bring them up, confront them face to face, and/or make your decision to end the relationship before you get into more trouble down the line. I saw this with a friend of mine. On the eve of his wedding day, his soon-to-be wife got extremely drunk and loudly said, “Well, maybe we shouldn’t get married. Let’s just call the whole thing off.” Well, I escorted her to her car so she could go back to the hotel where she was staying to take a nice warm bath, while my buddy (the groom) sat outside with the other guys and said, “Who wants to go to Vegas tonight?” Two years later, he filed for divorced, moved on and remarried a really great gal who he’s madly in love with to this day.

Whatever you do, just don’t push a good person out of your life without really taking a hard look at you, the other person, your future and your past. Do you have patterns for judging people to harshly? Do you struggle with accepting help from people or love into your life? Do you sabotage good things that happen to you? Do you compare yourself unfairly with your family friends’ relationships? Be mindful, but don’t let your mind take total control over what your heart says is an absolute good thing for you, the other person and your futures together.

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BOOK EXCERPT #28

The ONE Is Someone Who Teaches Us About Ourselves, Who Pushes Us, Who Provides Ample Opportunity For Us To Test Love, Patience, Kindness & More!

First, let’s agree that love isn’t perfect. Of course, you’re going to hug and hold the one for you when the going gets tough, but there will be times when what is really needed is silence, no advice, no judgment, just peace and quiet. When you think that you can’t love the other person more than you already do, find ways to enrich what you have to bring you even closer.

When your honey asks to do something without you, understand that everyone needs personal space, time to reflect, a break from the routine. What do they say about absence and the heart ... It makes it grow fonder?

Ideally, the ONE for you helps to make you a better person, which is accomplished by being kinder and more generous to the core, more supportive, and more accepting. Your goal to be the best significant other you can be should be unconditional and without limits. You strive to be a better person because he/she inspires you.

By setting the example for what you want in a relationship, you make it easy for your honey to love you more. If you aren’t sure how to do that, why not make a list of how the other person can make your relationship better and how you can become each other's better half and then have a discussion about your wishes. I’m sure you can think of creative ways to reward the other person for playing along.

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